my holiday, in pictures

There were presents.

And Santas.

Pretty lights.

Snowmen.

Kitties.

Hot tea.

And snow. 

It was lovely.

The End of Another Year

It is the last day of the year.

I'm sure most of you are aware of that. Given this special date, I felt like I should say something. Something reflecting on the past year, looking ahead, making resolutions, choosing my word for the new year.

This year has been fantastic. Truly. Filled with huge changes. Filled with health and friends. New experiences and old comforts.

2012 really brought it.

Some of 2013 I can see.

In typical Tela fashion, I have it all mapped out.

Some of it, though, I can't see. It's impossible to plan it all out.

It will be full of surprise and love and heartache. I think that is a given for any year.

I will be challenged. I will continue to grow and figure out who I am and where I belong.

It will be a good year. Of that I am sure.

And, to all of you who maybe didn't have the best 2012 (there seem to be an awful lot of you):

I hope this year improves things. I hope you can find the laughter and love in between the hard times. I wish all the best for all of you.

Each and every one.

Happy 2013.

18

Eighteen.

Adult.

Legal.

I can do a lot of things I couldn't before.

Many of them I have no interest in doing.

But that's beside the point.

I can.

In the eyes of the law, I am now old enough to be a part of this society.

I get to help make decisions, and I'm also responsible for my own decisions.

I'm legal.

It's all on the record now.

This feels like a big one.

Some are just another year.

A good reason to celebrate.

This one, though, this one feels different.

Maybe that's just because I'm told it should be different.

No, but it is.

And that's about all I know.

I know I am so ridiculously happy for it to be my 18th birthday.

And really, what more do I need to know than that?

One Word

Since I don't do resolutions, I thought maybe I'd choose a word for 2012.

It seems to be the thing to do.

A word for what you know is going to happen, for what you want to happen.

A word that could sum up the whole year.

That thought makes me itchy.

One word for 366 days!

Nevertheless, I started my search.

I read blogs.

People talked about breathing and splashing and accepting and growing.

I wrote.

I thought.

I sat in silence.

I considered, what will this year bring?

The end of one school, the beginning of another.

Moving out of my parents' home, my home, to strike out on my own for the first time. I will become a legal adult. I will vote for the first time. I hope to drive.

And out of that, I'm supposed to get one word?

I don't think so.

Beyond the fears of choosing the wrong word, of being too greedy or too careful, there lies my belief, my stubborn-ness, that says that one year cannot be summed up in one word.

The very idea makes me crabby.

That paragraph up there? That's the big stuff, the pretty-much-for-certain stuff. Those aren't the pieces that make up a year. It's the small things, the people, the places, the smiles, the late nights.

Things I can in no way predict.

Things that cannot be summed up in one little word.

New Year

This year is different.

The New Year is approaching, just as it always does. Time is still playing tricks on me, stretching out the days while I wait, shortening the days of no school.

But this year I'm not trying to shove the year behind me. I'm not getting nostalgic about the past, the things that have changed, the hope and possibility that the New Year brings.

It will be good to see a new year.

This doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to what it will bring (believe me, I am).

It doesn't mean I haven't changed in the past year. I could go on and on (and on) about what has changed. In many ways, it would be a list of improvements.

It means I'm not living in the past or for the future. It means I'm living in the present. The here and now.

on the last nine days

Coming into Thanksgiving Break, I had a bunch of ideas about what I wanted to do with my nine days of freedom.

I did not paint my nails. I know it wasn't on my list, but it was in my head. I do not understand how I did not find half an hour to take off the nail polish that's been on since Homecoming!

I did make my bed. More than once, even!

I don't really feel rested. It took me a while to figure out that to get more rest, I would have to go to sleep before 11.

But I did put those waking hours to good use reading Inheritance. I need someone to discuss it with!

I did not read my Spanish book. I'm not sure I'm ever going to pick it up again.

I spent a lot of time not being bored, but rather sitting around thinking about all the things I should be doing.

Therefore, I do not feel caught up. At all.

There was much baking. Two pumpkin cheesecakes. Yum.

And knitting. Lots of knitting.

Lots of watching football. Happy Tela.

Despite all the things I did not accomplish, there was lots of giving thanks.

Giving Thanks

I am thankful for many things.

Family.

Hugs.

Friends.

Laughing so hard I can't breathe.

Kitties.

Warm houses.

Having a house that is home.

Food.

Quiet.

Noise.

Music.

From the radio.

And from the birds.

Toe socks.

Hair that cooperates.

Pretty things.

Safety.

Freedom.

Cameras.

Memories.

The road ahead of me.

Health.

Experience.

Being young.

Hope.

This moment. Right now.

Letting Down

I am just starting to let down.

The stress and weight of school and all the things I must do still press on me, but I am working to let them go.

I don't need to worry. They will get done, or they won't. And I only have so much control over the outcome.

So I curled up on the couch and took a nap. I watched my cat watch the world outside. I admired my newly knitted hat. I read Inheritance.

Now I sit down to re-work an essay. I listen to music. I let the peace of a cold day seep into me. The knowledge that there is nowhere I have to go fills me. Nothing urgent must be attended to.

I sit. I drink my orange juice. The sound of the furnace lulls me into a tranquil state.

Finally.

I let it all go.

A Break

Today marks the first day of my Thanksgiving Break. I have been anticipating these days for the past several weeks. I want to do lots, as well as rest...

Make my bed. Pulling up the covers without straightening or tucking only works for so long.

Bake. Preferably something with pumpkin.

Read. Everything. And especially the new Inheritance book.

Watch movies.

Get caught up.

Do school work. (Boring, I know. But I have a project to do and a research paper to write.)

Watch football.

Do I dare say Christmas shopping?

Get back in touch with my camera.

Edit pictures. I have a huge backlog to go through--some from before Halloween.

Knit. Some more. I just finished a scarf in record-breaking time.

Distract myself. From the fact that 28 days from now, I will hear back from Grinnell. The one and only school to which I applied. (No, I'm not obsessively counting down the days. What gave you that idea?)

Seventeen

(Please ignore the out-of-focus -ness, and focus on the pretty new camera strap cover and how very 17 I look.)

Resolutions

I don't make them. I never write them down.

Part of it is my feeling that this day shouldn't be the one time we promise to be better, to do better.

If there is something so important I need to change about me or my behavior, I should just do it. Not wait until midnight on one day out of the other 364 to commit to changing.

I put pressure on myself. I have high standards. I am hard on myself and expect myself to meet the (sometimes ridiculously) high standards I set. By writing down goals or resolutions, they somehow become real.

(If I made New Year's Resolutions, I might have one about being less harsh on myself, allowing myself to make mistakes, etc, but I don't do resolutions.)

Once they're written down, I have to do them. It's a must.

And then, when I invariably break these resolutions, I am very hard on myself.

It's just not worth it.

So I make them in my head. They are still well thought out plans and goals, but there is less pressure. Without so much pressure, I am more likely to do them. And to give myself a break when I mess up.

But if I could have a New Year's wish instead of a resolution? I would wish for the holidays to never end.

Gift

Reverb 10 asks what my most memorable gift was this year. I didn't have to look far.

 

A camera is just a camera

but it's also a little piece of me.

December 31

I do not believe the New Year is magical. I do not think that adding a "1" to the previous date guarantees good things to come.

Just because someone hundreds of years ago decided that this would be last day of the year doesn't make it special.

I don't believe that just because it is a new year, good things will happen.

I do feel that many of us need to believe in new beginnings. If midnight on the 31st of December is when we chose to say farewell to the past, great.

People who need a fresh start have given this day significance. I have mixed feelings about it. By itself, the day is an ordinary box on my calendar.

But I am a person who needs to say goodbye to some of my past. This is a day that allows me to leave what has happened behind and to look ahead.

I hope for new, better things to come. I set goals, make plans.

In reality, I could do this any other day. But something in our culture makes this day special. I can't define it--maybe it is just a human need to have hope for a better year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days. Just hope for the future.

A Glorious Day of Nothing

My parents are skiing today. I am anticipating another day of glorious nothingness. To bask in the glow of my new camera. To not have to do anything, go anywhere, or be accountable to anyone.

There were mumblings and vague ideas about spending a couple night up in the mountains that have since been forgotten. I am having such a wonderful time being a slug. I am sure it would be great, but it just feels like extra effort since being here is so great.

There are no schedules. As much as I thrive on routine (and change, strangely enough), it is such a wonderful way to wake up; an unplanned day stretching before me.

Only three doctors all break.

One optometrist, who I'm actually looking forward to seeing. Besides needing new contacts to actually be able to see, I am also getting new glasses. I wear them only at night, so it hasn't really seemed worth it. But the frames are old and falling apart just a little bit, not to mention the perscription is from years ago.

One dentist. He's perfectly nice and I don't anticipate any problems, knock on wood, so I'm not really bothered.

One cardiologist. He's my new doc who's taking the lead on my treatment. Hopefully it will be shorter than the last, hour and a half, appointment.

Three doctors in as many weeks is a very nice, manageable number, especially since they're not being squeezed between my school and my parents' work.

My parents are puzzle people. I am not. At all. I sat down at the table, moved a few pieces around, and declared "I give up" after about thirty seconds.

It's become a tradition to bring one out over the holidays. My parents do tend to get a bit obsessed, going to bed later and later, until it's done and we get our dining room table back.

I spend the time inhaling books. Passable novels mostly, a great one if I'm lucky, with a few on the history of the Middle East thrown in for good measure.

I refuse to think about school, although I'm counting down the days in my head.

I'm off to take some pictures, or drink some hot chocolate, or watch a movie, in my pajamas.

The Spirit of the Holidays

A quiet season is all I ask.
Filled with love.
Gifts given from the heart.

Time to be.
Time to spend with my family.
At home, with the habits that have become traditions.

Familiar music fills my ears.
Tapes are dusted off.
Tunes recognized and sung along with.

Strings of lights.
Wrestled into place,
Bring more than physical light to the house.

Textbooks are hidden away.
Replaced by fat novels.
There is time to read, and enjoy.

The tree is assembled in pieces.
Lights untangled.
Branches straightened.

Boxes of ornaments unwrapped.
They sparkle and glitter,
Filled with memories.

Doorbells buzz,
Announcing the arrival of mysterious packages.
Neighbors appear, bearing plates of sweets.

Three warm bodies curl up together.
Nothing to attend to.
They wait in silence as the spirit fills them.

A Little More Holiday Cheer

You know what I just did? I just turned on the Christmas lights. They seemed like the perfect antidote to the dark (very hard to shoot in) light.

I made myself a cup of hot tea. It's warming up my fingers. But of course, is not anywhere near the computer keyboard. Promise.

I traded my outside hat for my Santa hat. Because it keeps me warm. And it makes me smile. Because it's sparkly and Santa-y, and also, it allows me to wear a T-shirt, which is always good. (I don't "do" long sleeved shirts.)

But no Christmas music. Oh, no. Baby steps. Nickelback is the perfect fit for the snow, cold, darkness, Christmas lights, (far away) tea , and Santa hat.

Belated

I wanted to write a Thanksgiving post. I really did. There were all sorts of drafts running through my head, from serious and heartfelt to sarcastic. (Although I am glad that our President knows the difference between North and South Korea.)

But I just felt like anything I said would diminish it. I couldn't find the words to capture my feelings of love, being loved, well-being, gratitude. (Besides, I thought I said it pretty well here.)

So let me say this.

I am thankful that I have so much to be thankful for. That I can't begin to list it all. That I feel so lucky that I can't put it into words.

Happy (belated) Thanksgiving.

The Cold and the Christmas Carols

I wish there was a way to capture the smell of woodsmoke. It is the one thing that really makes it feel like winter to me. I can picture people curled up safely in their houses, reading a good book, with something warm simmering on the stove.

It only works its magic when I'm outside in the cold. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I need to get better at taking gloves outside with me. I haven't quite gotten it in my head that it's cold. Despite the woodsmoke smells. Normally it isn't a big deal, but when I'm outside with my camera, my hands get cold very rapidly.

I am too eager to be taking pictures than to worry about the temperature of my hands. By the time I notice that my fingers are having trouble with the tiny little camera buttons, I'm too involved to care.

It is starting to feel like winter to me. And I like that. In general, I like winter. There is something so different about having to get bundled up before you dare poke your nose outside. Then being able to come in and drink hot chocolate with just the right amount of marshmallows.

I don't like Christmas being shoved down my throat at every turn. It's on the radio, (one station has started playing nothing but Christmas music), it's at the stores, it's in the catalogs. I love Christmas. I love having no school for two whole weeks, not having any agendas, decorating the tree, wrapping gifts, getting gifts, all that stuff.

I don't associate retail shopping or money with Christmas. Or really any holiday for that matter. I feel like it takes away the spirit. The spirit of caring and thought that can be put into a gift. I miss Thanksgiving being given it's own special time. It's as though it is completely worthless to stores because they can't make money off it. No decorations or toys your child must have. 

I don't really know....I'm trying to ignore it. To breathe in the woodsmoke and laugh at myself as I forget my gloves yet again. To enjoy seeing Smokey curl up on top of the heater. To revel in wearing hats and scarves. I'll focus on that.

Trick-or-Treaters

Last night we had two trick-or-treaters. One young girl (very polite-she wouldn't take more than two pieces of candy) dressed up as a frog of some sort. A teenage boy "dressed up" as a Packer. His costume was a Packers hoodie. His friend, who had come a "Blackhawk", refused candy.

We have a lot of candy left.

I "dressed up" as a witch to hand out candy; I wore a pointy black hat.

On a completely unrelated note, I finished a painting about a week ago:

I am so ready to be done hearing election ads, but I am not ready for the projected results.

Oh, and watch this:

End of October

This year, my mom is the one who gets the extended birthday. Dinner and cards last night. Presents on the weekend. Dinner out with my dad next weekend. Lucky!

I may have been a little over-ambitious with my menu planning: MuShu Vegetables, Sweet Potato Pot Stickers, and Apple Crisp. It was good, and nothing major blew up or spilled, but man, that was a lot of cooking.

To anyone (everyone) out there who does this with more frequency than I -wow. I'm impressed. I have a new appreciation for people who cook. (Notice I don't say chefs...)

Halloween is coming up. When I was younger, and had big birthday parties, October would knock us (my mom) flat.

My birthday, my mom's birthday, Halloween.

Boom boom boom.

I was never over-the-top into Halloween. Dressing up was fun, but the candy was better. I loved it, but it didn't make me crazy.

Our neighborhood is quite sad on the trick-or-treating front. This meant we would have to pack the car up with hot drinks and five extra coats and relocate to a neighborhood more friendly to kids knocking on doors and asking for sugar.

I would usually do some afternoon rounds in town, where all the shops handed out candy. As I got older, friends and I would go out and hit the houses known for handing out hand-fulls of good-quality candy.

I don't really remember when I stopped going. It was several years ago. I had lost interest in dressing up-my brain couldn't take that much creativity.

The appeal of trekking around in the dark to get small pieces of sugar had worn off. Half my friends weren't going. So I stopped. I don't miss it. I do wish we had more kids coming to our house, though, because I've always thought it would be fun to be the hander-outer of candy. Seeing the costumes and how hyper the kids were.

So no plans this year. We have pumpkins. To be carved this weekend. I only want to take off the top and get the seeds to roast. That is one Halloween tradition I'm not ready to give up.

But we always buy a big bag of candy-just in case.