it's still going

Before I start, let me just make it very clear that this is me needing to vent. I am aware of this. I am aware that things almost always look better with distance and time.

But right now time isn't moving fast enough and I'm feeling a little trapped.

***

I feel like I just finished something and before I can even start to breathe, there's something else I was supposed to have already begun.

It just doesn't stop.

I just want some time to appreciate the quiet.

Just a little bit.

And okay, while I'm talking in these big, broad terms, it's not all my classes. It's not everything.

It's a few (okay, one) classes that not only do I not enjoy, I feel like I'm constantly behind. And seeing as a lot of that is due to the teacher, there's nothing I can do about it.

See? It always comes back to me needing to let it go.

I need to go talk to the people who might be able to make a difference and then I need to move on.

Accept that it's out of my control.

Ha. I'm not very good at that.

The whole being chill thing isn't inherent in my personality.

***

Thanks for listening.

I'm going to go make Valentine's.

Time

I miss having time--or maybe it's just the concept of time--to read.

Reading is what calms me and centers me before bed.

I learn, I laugh, I relax, I leave my world.

Books allow me to escape.

And lately I've been a little short on time.

So of course I need to escape more than ever.

There are just so many things I feel I must do right now. 

Grades to worry about, sleep to get, writing to do, friends to talk to.

All good things. (Mostly.)

But they take so much time. At the end of the day I'm left feeling frazzled and needing sleep.

And to sleep I need to read.

But to read, I need time, which would be time I'm not sleeping.

I feel like whatever I choose, I'm stuck.

Stuck feeling tired and worried and stressed and without an escape.

Not Funny At All

It's funny, in a very not-funny sort of way, how dramatically my week has changed.

Monday morning I wrote this whole, happy, smiley post.

I had had an excellent weekend, I wasn't that worried about finals, and I was only six days away from hearing back from the college I applied to.

The only thing marring my happy smiliness was the dead internet. So you never got to hear about my fantastic weekend, and the time when finals didn't seem like such a big deal.

Now, you get to hear about my terrible day. The one where I am worried about finals, to the point of freaking out.

It's Calculus. It's all Calculus.

I am done with English and Economics, not at all worried about Spanish (Although the teacher announced today that we have to learn new material over the next two days that would normally take us about two weeks to learn. Great planning.), and pretty confident about Anatomy (Although it would have been nice if we had actually used class time today to study. Instead, we watched what easily qualified as the stupid movie I have ever watched.).

But oh, Calculus.

I was worried. And then I got more worried when I saw the review packet yesterday. Which turned into a full-on freak-out when our teacher was mysteriously absent today, leaving us with a completely incompetent sub.

I want to go back to Monday morning. When my biggest issue was the internet not working.

I do apologize for the ranting and raving about school. I know I'll survive. But right now, in this moment, I'm not so sure.

Tired

I hate that the best word to describe how I feel most o the time is "tired".

Everyone's tired. It's the most common complaint. So I fit right in.

But it's not the same.

I know this.

But sometimes it's hard, when everyone else is listing off all their complaints, all the thing they have to do. Doing their best to win the "whose life sucks more" contest.

I tend to stay quiet.

So often I feel like words aren't enough.

And I'm not about to start listing everything I complain about in my head.

It's not who I am.

And everyone thinks they have it worse. And that no one else can possibly imagine what they have to deal with.

It's true. I believe that you don't really understand someone, all of them, until you walk in their shoes.

Which is, of course, impossible.

So I keep my mouth shut.

I think I've been dealt a tough hand.

I also think I've dealt with it pretty well.

And that's nothing to complain about.

Minus Two Hours of Sleep

This morning my body decided it would be appropriate to wake up two hours earlier than the scheduled time. Which is really much too early. I have decided it must be the light, because the light I can fix. I will get one of those eye-cover contraptions and be all sleepy like a normal person.

But today I am awake. I wish I could say I had been productive, but really, I haven't.

I ate breakfast. Like usual. Except for the two hours earlier part. And I started a new book. One that I know I have pretty much no chance of finishing in the two weeks the library gives me.

I did math homework. And by did, I mean I spent five minutes on each problem, banging my head on the table and trying to figure out ways in which I could convince my tutor that the book has multiple typos, and therefore I am actually correct.

I turned on the computer and attempted to restart it, which took about 29 minutes. But I did get to read The Economist, which makes me feel smart.

I uploaded some pictures from my camera to the computer, after which I discovered that the vast majority were out of focus and pretty terrible.

I emailed a few people. I guess that counts as semi-productive.

And now I am here. After reading about Haven's  early morning, which inspired me to write this post. Which I'm pretty sure is completely nonsensical and definitely does not get a check under the "productive" column.

My Book Theory

I have a theory, about books. It goes something like: for every above-average, teeth-sinking-into-worthy book you read, you will find another seven far below-average books, at least three of which you will read because they are the kind of bad book you need to read so you know what happens, even though you know it's going to be bad.

I'm not sure how this theory applies to good, well-written, but sad books. Because they are sneaky and finagled their way into two categories in my book theory.

I need another book theory.

I also need some good books. Suggestions?

The Days in No Particular Order

Last night I had all these amazing ideas coming through my head. They weren't just random ideas, either. They were fully formed, well thought-out ideas that were ready to be spell-checked and posted. However, seeing as it was ten at night and I was trying to sleep (sort of), the ideas continued floating around in my head until I fell asleep, at which point they promptly disappeared. Completely.

So here goes nothing, with no ideas, creative or otherwise, anywhere near my brain.

I'm on spring break. There are no capitalized letters on that for me. Last Friday there would have been. My tutor had just cancelled, giving me an extra day off, and I was pumped to play in the snow and watch Friends and not have to do anything all week. Nothing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

I am more tired and feel worse than I have in quite a while. I'm bored. I can't figure out the NCAA men's basketball schedule. And all my ideas have abandoned me to leave me sitting at the computer, typing random, complaining thoughts.

Last night was fun when I looked out the window before going to bed and was greeted by a sea of white. The news had been saying all night that the mountains were supposed to get two feet of snow, but I usually ignore those reports because we hardly get anything here. This, however, was certainly not nothing.

I am looking forward to going outside and making a snow angel and throwing a few snowballs and just reveling in the beauty of the world.

I'm in one of those moods where I listen to the same song over and over and over. At least it's a song that I like.

I am cruising through my Health course, and I just finished the fourth (out of five) exams. The only problem is the computer still says they haven't recieved any of the exams I've sent in. I am trying hard not to freak out and to give it more time, which was working okay until I realized I hadn't copied any of the tests, so if they are lost in the mail, they are really and truly lost.

(Just thought of a perfect Friends line to insert there, but I won't. I tend to find it annoying when people constantly quote their favorite TV shows. But you should know, I am laughing on the other side of your computer screen.)

I did the laundry. I ate breakfast. I watched New Moon. Eh, what can I say. I'm on Team This-Isn't-That-Great-A-Movie-Or-Book-So-Get-Over-It-(Yet-I-Still-Watch-The-Movies-And-Read-The-Books). I listen to the clock tick. I emptied the dishwasher. I researched colleges. I couldn't figure out spell-check.

Life.
We'll see where it takes me.
And where I take myself.

Books

I went out today with my parents just for a fun "family date". We picked up my framed picture (this one.), I looked for a birthday present for my dad (no luck), and went to a bookstore/cafe. I got a couple of books that probably fall more under the self-help category than anything else, but still not really.

I adore bookstores. And libraries. And really anywhere that is quiet and peaceful and full of books. There are so many choices out there, so many people writing about so many things. Sometimes I feel like it's just for me. It's easy to get lost between all the shelves and in all the stories people have to tell. I feel loved and safe (And just a little vindicated. Harry Potter had a whole shelf, and Twilight had half a shelf. So there!)

My dad and I shared an amazing pizza; avacado slices and fresh mint-who knew! If we weren't having chile for dinner I would have more pizza.

Now it's back to homework. I am reading To Kill a Mockingbird for English. I actually chose the book, because I read it forever ago and I thought it would be fun to read it now from an analytic viewpoint. Yah, great idea. Each chapter has about ten questions for me to answer and there are 31 chapters. I can barely do that math.

Well, I might be exaggerating a little bit, but that was me complaining, and this is me leaving to go do the homework that isn't nearly as bad as I make it out to be.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Learn a Foreign Language

1. Conjugating verbs
2. You have to learn a new accent
3. All your mistakes make you feel really stupid
4. Lots of worksheets
5. All the verb tenses you never knew existed
6. You will really never be fluent
7. All the grammar rules you never knew
8. You can't understand the natives speaking the language, because they speak so fast
9. It is really easy to forget when you are around all English speakers
10. After years of complaining about the English language, you learn that it is actually a very easy and simple language