here

I know I haven't been around much.

There are a lot of reasons for this. Not all bad. Not all good. 

Mostly just a lot of what Michelle likes to call unbloggable.

I know that’s irritating and vague, but that’s how it works.

Sometimes, right-now-times, I need my life to just be mine, away from the vast interwebs. The vast interwebs that I love dearly.

I am here. Shoot me an email.

Drop me a non-spamy comment.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be around here, at least for a while.

But I’m still here.

I’m still good.

I’m still living life. 

Home, Part 2

Last time when I wrote about home, there was a very clear delineation in my mind.

I had my first home, the home where I grew up.

It's the place where my parents are. Where my kitty lives. Where I know everything and everyone. I have my routines and things are comfortable.

I had my new home.

My college home.

The place I was still figuring out, where I was constantly meeting new people and learning new things.

In the past two months, those lines have been blurred. Those lines between one home and the other are no longer quite so clear.

I now have friends here. Close friends, real friends. They're my people. The ones I laugh with and cry with. Ones I know I can lean on when the times get tough. It took the times getting tough for those bonds to form.

We live together and share so much. We learn and we grow and we whine and complain.

This is my home.

Yet, I still want to go home.

I want to go to my house, I want to see my parents. When I think of that home, I think of being wrapped up in the biggest hug. It's my comfort place.

I know that I will miss this place too.

I'm all confuzzled.

I guess I can have two homes. If that's what works for me, then it's perfect.

I've also really learned that it's the people that make a place what it is. It's the people I love and miss, no matter where I am.

Three Weeks

Currently, I am many things.

There are many me's. 

The one at the forefront is the stressed version of me.

The exhausted version.

Yet this me does not stop, because she cannot stop.

This me does not see any other option than to continue.

To make it through the next three weeks. To not lose it, completely. To be awake and mostly present. To work and write and plan and talk.

To be a student for three more weeks.

Then, I don't know which me will take over.

Probably the exhausted one will kick in after a few days. After I realize I no longer have to be "on" all the time. When it sinks in that I can relax; there's no where to go, no one to see, and there are other people who will take care of the rest.

I can't let myself go there yet, though.

I have to keep going.

I have to let the stronger me's take over, and keep me going.

Three more weeks.

18

Eighteen.

Adult.

Legal.

I can do a lot of things I couldn't before.

Many of them I have no interest in doing.

But that's beside the point.

I can.

In the eyes of the law, I am now old enough to be a part of this society.

I get to help make decisions, and I'm also responsible for my own decisions.

I'm legal.

It's all on the record now.

This feels like a big one.

Some are just another year.

A good reason to celebrate.

This one, though, this one feels different.

Maybe that's just because I'm told it should be different.

No, but it is.

And that's about all I know.

I know I am so ridiculously happy for it to be my 18th birthday.

And really, what more do I need to know than that?

Today

Today I left my room smiling.

Today I feel beautiful.

Today I read two letters at breakfast, letters that wrapped me up in a big hug.

Today I have things to do, places to go, pictures to find, homework to finish, essays to start.

Today I will take time for me.

Today I will take time to let the smile spread from my face through my whole being.

Today I am happy.

Today is better than yesterday.

Hello World

I am [insert adjective here].

But mainly avoiding homework.

Turns out I have nothing else to say.

Because all I've been thinking and talking about is Bio and it would really be nice if I could just forget about it, even for just a little while.

My big Saturday night plans involve some friends and a yet-to-be-decided-on movie.

Until then we are supposedly doing homework.

Ha.

I think I've done as much organizing as I can. Which is my go-to mode of procrastination.

I'm an interesting mix of always being on top of and ahead of things, while also being a very good procrastinator.

I much prefer how I feel when I'm ahead of things, but, you know.....

Okay, I'll make you a deal.

I will sit down (wait, I'm already sitting down) and work on this essay for 40 minutes. And then I will do something else. Something fun. Like reading blogs. Except I've been such a good procrastinator that my reader is empty and that's just sad.

So while I'm hard at work, you all work on some blog posts! My procrastination needs you!

sustainability

Yesterday I was asking myself if this was sustainable.

This=everything.

The living this far away from home.

The being utterly responsible for my health.

The homework and expectations.

The workload.

The social aspect.

The responsibility for my life.

The everything.

Is it? Really?

Last night I wasn't sure.

Last night I knew that all I could do was stop. Continuing to stare at the page wasn't helping, neither was the pretending to work while reading blogs and Facebook and email.

Last night I made popcorn and sat in bed and watched Grey's Anatomy.

Yes I did.

And just now, when I asked myself the same question, it still didn't really have an answer. And I thought how nice it would be to have something to look back on and say "Yes! This will work! Because I survived that."

And then I thought to myself, well, I do have that. Not years or months, but I do have something. I have yesterday. And the day before. I've had good days and bad days. In-between days. But I've survived. 

That gives me hope for today, and tomorrow, and the next day. 

lately

So I finally sent in that advising form. Let's focus more on the "yay, you did it!" rather than "ohmygosh that took you how long?", ok?

***

I'm having a going-away-off-to-college party in about a month. I so wish you all could come. All of you who have supported me and read my nonsensical rambling for the past however many years.

***

It's incredibly easy to become anti-social.

It's not that I don't want to see people, it's just that it takes an awful lot of effort. It's so much easier to stay at home and read books and paint my toenails.

But I need people.

***

I have re-discovered books. Not that I ever gave up on them or anything, just that I got busy and sort of forgot how lovely it is to completely lose myself in someone else's story.

That also means I've been staying up very late. And sleeping in very late.

It's been wonderful.

Although I am a little worried for August 30th, when I'll have to start getting up for an 8am class at least twice a week. That might be a little ugly.

***

I've missed my blog. I've missed you.

My Groove

I can't seem to find it.

My groove.

My mojo.

It's lost.

It's gone.

It's having all these post ideas running through my head.

It's having thoughts and ideas and feeling like I have no one to share them with.

It's staying up late even though I'm exhausted.

It's all that is out of my control.

It's all that is in my control that I'm not bothering to take control of.

It's my messy room.

It's this one last college form I've been putting off for weeks.

It's everything.

It's that I know that this won't last forever, but I don't know how to make myself snap out of it.

It's reaching endings.

It's missing my friends.

It's smiling so huge, but not being able to keep that feeling.

It's....

Big Stuff

There are big things on my mind.

Things like what classes I should take this fall.

And how I should be filling out the "All About Me" form.

The one that asks deep questions about me that will require some actual thought.

I'm really not interested in thinking. At the moment.

Things like this fire.

The hundreds of people who have lost their homes.

How lucky I am.

How I actually feel about it all.

Because I think it's pretty well known that to get through I go into "don't think about it" mode.

Which is great, because it gets me through the moment.

It allows me to do what needs to be done without being emotional.

But still, looking around at my house and knowing that what I might never see it again--that's big.

I know, intellectually, that it's big.

But I don't think that emotionally it's sunk in that it's big.

Or maybe I just think it should be big.

Whatever.

Big stuff on my mind, so I am going to continue listening to show tunes and not thinking about the big stuff.

Because it's big and I clearly don't yet know how I feel about it.

June

A new month.

I've been out of school for I-have-no-idea-how-long, and it has been lovely.

There is nothing on my schedule that I don't want to do.

There are friends and shopping trips, errands I can run all by myself, hours at the hospital, trips to see new places and old friends.

This freedom is exhilarating.

The getting bored and everything.

But really, I think my favorite parts have been at the hospital.

Not only do I now get to spend three nights a week asking questions and observing, I have the choice to stay as long as I want. That little piece of plastic that tells the world that I am capable to drive all by myself.

It's wondrous. All the possibilities are still surprising me.

I know the next few days will be busy.

A fast pace that I have grown unaccustomed to.

Full of the hospital, sleepovers and smores, parties, packing, and flying off to a new city.

I just want to remember to rest up before it starts, and to slow down to really take it all in.

It can be so easy to get caught up in the frenetic pace of a big city that you miss the character of the place; the little things.

Happy June.

a break

I have found that lately, I haven't had much to say.

Or just not here.

Okay, none of that is true.

I haven't been writing. At all.

And I miss it, sure, but it's also been a lovely break.

Sometimes I love something so much that I want to do it all the time and forget to give myself a break.

This time life intervened and made me take a break.

I just didn't have the time, or energy, or brain space to write here.

And now?

Well when I think of it, it still feels like a to-do.

So I've continued to eat popsicles and read and do a whole lot of nothing.

Which has been quite fantastic.

I'll be back.

You know I will.

Suddenly

Somehow, I have my license. I am driving to school, with no one beside me. Really not sure how that happened. Paid $21 and stopped at a few stop signs and suddenly I can go anywhere I want. Within reason.

Somehow, I'm graduating in 22 days. Really, really not sure how that happened.

Somehow, I'm going to college.

Suddenly, I have more good days than bad.

Somehow, I have friends to say goodbye to.

Everything is happening so fast. Has happened.

And I've been here the whole time.

It's not like I was in a coma.

They're not bad things; on the contrary, they're amazing.

I'm not sad. Just, surprised.

Life happens so fast.

And they expect me to be an adult??

Birthdays have nothing to do with growing up.

I still have six months before that craziness is upon me, though.

Melancholy

I am feeling slightly melancholy.

I have no real reason to, I know this. At least intellectually.

It's Spring Break. The house is quiet and mine for a few blissful hours. The sun is shining. I slept in as long as I wanted to. There is beautiful music coming from my computer.

Yet still.

My emotions don't always have to make sense. They don't exist to be justified. They just exist. They are. And while sometimes I think I do need to snap out of it and move on, I also think that feeling and really just sitting with your emotions is important. Not wallowing. Just learning to be.

Just like how I usually don't (can't) fall asleep without music, but last night, it was perfectly quiet. And that was exactly what I needed. I went straight to sleep.

Melancholy because last night was my last time being in the Emergency Department. After only seven weeks, I had found a place where I felt comfortable. A place where I felt I fit. Because of the people and the environment and the newness and the sameness and learning and talking and being bored and flying high on new experiences. All of it. I just fit. That's the only way I know how to say it.

And then, I had to say goodbye.

Knowing perfectly well that I will probably never see any of those people (patients and employees) again. The jokes and the pain. The experience and newbies.

Those memories will start to fade. Already, they're blurring. Despite my writing and recording in that little notebook.

I just hope that while the specifics will fade, the important things will stay. Most notably, the way I felt while there. In the midst of it all. Belonging.

Once

Once, I rose with the sun.

Once, I greeted every day with a smile, and there was always a “good” in front of my morning greeting. Now, there are loud, blaring alarm clocks. There are grimaces of exhaustion. And you should consider yourself lucky if you get more than a grunted “Hi”.

The smiles and appreciation of the day come later. I find them now in my friends. In our mocking comments about worthless homework, whispered stories about boys during class, late night texts, sharing almost-forgotten secrets and observations.

Once, I loved school.

I looked forward to the start of a new day of learning. Now, I see school, high school, as a hoop that must be jumped, in order to get to the good stuff.

I have high hopes for college and the years beyond.

I dream of once again seeing every morning as a good one. I dream of eagerly heading to work. I dream of finding friends that I can totally be myself with.

I dream of the perfect life. A life I know doesn’t exist. But that doesn’t stop me from dreaming. And although I know this perfection doesn’t exist, I keep dreaming, because dreams are important, and they let me know what I want, even if it’s completely unattainable. They carry me to a place devoid of alarm clocks and fatigue and irritation with the daily grind.

One Word

Since I don't do resolutions, I thought maybe I'd choose a word for 2012.

It seems to be the thing to do.

A word for what you know is going to happen, for what you want to happen.

A word that could sum up the whole year.

That thought makes me itchy.

One word for 366 days!

Nevertheless, I started my search.

I read blogs.

People talked about breathing and splashing and accepting and growing.

I wrote.

I thought.

I sat in silence.

I considered, what will this year bring?

The end of one school, the beginning of another.

Moving out of my parents' home, my home, to strike out on my own for the first time. I will become a legal adult. I will vote for the first time. I hope to drive.

And out of that, I'm supposed to get one word?

I don't think so.

Beyond the fears of choosing the wrong word, of being too greedy or too careful, there lies my belief, my stubborn-ness, that says that one year cannot be summed up in one word.

The very idea makes me crabby.

That paragraph up there? That's the big stuff, the pretty-much-for-certain stuff. Those aren't the pieces that make up a year. It's the small things, the people, the places, the smiles, the late nights.

Things I can in no way predict.

Things that cannot be summed up in one little word.

[blank]

I sit here, with so many things I could say. Important things, very not-important things. Some I'm just dying to talk about, others are just fleeting thoughts.

The words are trapped somewhere.

See, right here? This is where normally there would be words. Funny, interesting, thoughtful, you choose the adjective.

I just keep writing a sentence and deleting it. Not because there was anything particularly wrong with it, it just didn't say what I wanted it to say. But I don't know what I want to say. That's a teeny bit of a problem.

I guess I have to figure out what I'm feeling before I can start to describe it.

Not Funny At All

It's funny, in a very not-funny sort of way, how dramatically my week has changed.

Monday morning I wrote this whole, happy, smiley post.

I had had an excellent weekend, I wasn't that worried about finals, and I was only six days away from hearing back from the college I applied to.

The only thing marring my happy smiliness was the dead internet. So you never got to hear about my fantastic weekend, and the time when finals didn't seem like such a big deal.

Now, you get to hear about my terrible day. The one where I am worried about finals, to the point of freaking out.

It's Calculus. It's all Calculus.

I am done with English and Economics, not at all worried about Spanish (Although the teacher announced today that we have to learn new material over the next two days that would normally take us about two weeks to learn. Great planning.), and pretty confident about Anatomy (Although it would have been nice if we had actually used class time today to study. Instead, we watched what easily qualified as the stupid movie I have ever watched.).

But oh, Calculus.

I was worried. And then I got more worried when I saw the review packet yesterday. Which turned into a full-on freak-out when our teacher was mysteriously absent today, leaving us with a completely incompetent sub.

I want to go back to Monday morning. When my biggest issue was the internet not working.

I do apologize for the ranting and raving about school. I know I'll survive. But right now, in this moment, I'm not so sure.

Ebb

I miss my camera.

I feel slightly guilty about how long it's been sitting on that shelf, untouched.

I am not inspired to pick it up.

I am not in a place to truly see the world around me.

I believe in practice.

I believe in pushing myself.

I also believe in giving myself a break.

I believe in letting myself off the hook.

It will be there when I'm ready.

Letting Down

I am just starting to let down.

The stress and weight of school and all the things I must do still press on me, but I am working to let them go.

I don't need to worry. They will get done, or they won't. And I only have so much control over the outcome.

So I curled up on the couch and took a nap. I watched my cat watch the world outside. I admired my newly knitted hat. I read Inheritance.

Now I sit down to re-work an essay. I listen to music. I let the peace of a cold day seep into me. The knowledge that there is nowhere I have to go fills me. Nothing urgent must be attended to.

I sit. I drink my orange juice. The sound of the furnace lulls me into a tranquil state.

Finally.

I let it all go.