I've been putting off writing this post for a while. I don't like reading blogs that are all about a person promoting a project or their career. I'm sure there is a niche in the blogging world for promoting oneself, but I have no interest in finding this niche, or becoming part of it.
Yet I still want to share this because it was is an exciting development that resulted in a fair amount of screaming and jumping up and down.
So, here it is. I promise not to try to sell you anything. Or talk too incessantly about it.
I was contacted several weeks ago by a woman who works for a blog called Skipping Breakfast. It's a college readiness blog for students. I write about preparing for college, worries, and just general observations and tips about school.
I'm done. Promise. Except, check it out, not only because it's pretty awesome, but because it makes me an actual (dare I say it?) writer. Okay, end of spiel.
Apparently, I have a reputation at school. I'm "the girl who disappeared". Right out of the mouth of one of my classmates. I was introducing myself, even though I'm pretty sure we met in ninth grade, and she recognized my name. I guess I'm not as forgotten as I thought I was. Which is fine with me, but I have a feeling that title is going to follow me for the rest of high school.
(But wouldn't that make a great book title? Or blog title. Hmmm....)
So yes, I've started school. Just one class a day: Spanish. I will be doing my other four classes at home with my tutor. It doesn't look like that is going to start until at least next week, so I get to ease out of summer slowly.
I couldn't break my pattern too much; my body insisted on getting sick and making me miss school yesterday. Luckily, I already know my teacher (she is actually one of my all-time favorite teachers) and she is very understanding. I hope my body has gotten its rebelliousness out, because I would actually like to attend some school this year. You know, have some semblance of a normal life.
Oh, hello there camera. Weekly Winners, nice to see you too. I've neglected you. Well, sort of. I left the camera sitting on the shelf for about a week. I missed it. A lot. Which, strangely enough, made me happy. It meant that this is more than just a passing interest. This connection I can make through the lens is amazing and means a lot to me. So I've picked it back up. I'm so glad I have. I'm so glad to see you all.
On Tuesday my summer officially started. I finished my technology class a while ago, and I just finished all my chemistry labs. There was a fair amount of dancing and jumping up and down. So, to celebrate, I am totally breaking my routine and going out and partying like crazy. (See, this is why there needs to be a sarcastic font, because people who don't know me might actually think I'm serious.)
In celebration of my one-week summer, I bought myself a new CD. Which I have been listening to (the embedding feature wasn't cooperating) obsessively.
A old friend stayed with us this week. It was great to see him, and so cool to continue introducing him to Harry Potter. We read part of the fourth book out loud and also watched the third movie. I think we've done a pretty good job of confusing him. The first time he stayed with us we were reading the seventh (and last) book out loud. Unfortunately, he lives on the other side of the country, so I can't stop by and bug him about finishing all the books. I need someone new to talk Harry Potter with.
I've been finding all these amazing new blogs. I don't know how to keep up with them all! But I did immediately dump one when I found out the author likes Twilight more than Harry Potter. I can handle Twilight-I've even spent my (parents') money to go see the movies. But liking Twilight more than Harry Potter? Completely unacceptable.
I've been really enjoying reading throughout the day and not having any homework assignments hanging over my head. I can truly relax and allow myself to be completely absorbed in the book. I'm reading like crazy, trying to read all the good books (and okay books) before school starts.
It isn’t a flood. It doesn’t overwhelm me, or make me want to curl up and cry. The memories are just there. Like they always have been. Just waiting for something to trigger them. Or waiting for me to be ready for them.
I’m grateful it isn’t a flood. I don’t know if I could keep my head above water. But them being there, patiently waiting, is no easier. I still have to deal with them. Examine. Remember. Mourn. Move on?
It’s the letting go that’s the hard part. Not the remembering. The memories help me to remember laughing and playing. They give me distance from the silent months and awkward meetings. The memories are good. But I can’t just let them sit around, for forever. I don’t want to always remember when I play that song, or see an acorn on the road. I have to do something with them.
I don’t want to lose them. Not completely. I’m at a point where I want to keep the good ones. To help me remember the good times. And at least try to let go of the other ones. The ones that make me regret, feel ashamed, make me want to travel back. Or the ones that raise my blood pressure, because I’m readying for a fight. I don’t want those memories around. They’re not healthy.
So I need to sort through the memories, which means subjecting myself to something similar to a flood. They need to be sorted, and sent their separate ways. The good ones to a place where I can access them when I’m feeling nostalgic, or when I need to remember the good times. And the other ones need to float away from me, downstream. To mix with all my other memories that have been dealt with over the years.
I know there are not enough in that ocean; the ones I have let go of. The ones I have moved on from because it is what is right for me. But this is where I am starting. Sifting through, trying to find the ones that make me smile and removing some of the load from my heart.
When I look at some of my first blog posts, I cringe. They sound so forced, and like I'm writing for a dreaded English assingment. I didn't quite grasp that this is my blog. I can write what, when, and how I want. This conecpt has taken me a while to grasp. Sometimes I can still feel its pull on me. The feeling that I have to write, even if it isn't something I want to do. And the resulting product is a sad piece of something resembling writing. It doesn't have any heart in it. Nor does it flow, or even make sense.
I've discovered much of the same thing with my camera. Taking pictures is a wonderful escape for me. It is amazing how I can remove myself from the situation, so I can see it merely as an observer. And then being able to come right back in and capture the heart and soul. I've found that when I take out the camera because I feel like I should, or I'm supposed to, the pictures don't say anything.
They are just snapshots. They don't tell a story, or have any feeling behind them. And then I've lost the magic and beauty of photography.
It is a fine line to walk: getting practice and continuing to improve, while not forcing myself to do something I am not feeling. Some practice is just going to come out life-less because of its very nature. But finding a way to practice in a way that helps me improve is an art in and of itself. So, yes, I am still working on that.
I guess this is my way of explaining why I've been silent for a while. But it feels nice to be back. I'm just glad I notlonger feel the need to detail every minute of my not-so-thrilling life.