Monday, May 30, 2011

Outside the Lines

The black outline guides my hand.
Silent as I scribble over it,
marring the neat black ink.

Inked in so carefully by an unknown hand.
A hand that decides what is correct.
What is right.
Dictating my picture's outcome.

An invisible hand should not be given so much power.
But it's just a drawing.
How much power can a child's scribble possess?

The shaky marks,
colors swirled,

Light, a touch that is barely there.
Or hard. Rupturing the paper's smooth surface.

It is like spilled milk.
Anything can be seen in the lines.
Between the lines, anything can have meaning.
Anything can have power.

I flip the page over to start anew.
Determined that this time, I will get it right.
A new outlined shape lies before me.

Containing within it bunnies, ranbows, flowers.
Age-appropriate, fun things to color.

I stare down at the crayon I have clutched in my hand.
My adult-sized fist dwarfs the small stub.
Worn down from years of coloring.

I am convinced it is worn from being used to color outside the lines.
I was lawless in my youth.

My hand moves over the paper.
I strike out the plain black lines.
My lines form shapes,
free from the invisible hand.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

Toothless Freedom

4pm Tuesday

Seniors officially graduate.

I watch the caps spin through the air, imagining myself in their shoes.

One year.

12:05pm Wednesday

I am officially a senior.

It still hasn't sunk in. I've spent so much time anticipating this moment. Now that it's here, I'm not quite sure what to do with it.

This summer is my school work-free summer. I am ignoring my Intro to Business class, because it should be super easy and I am just ready to have a school-free summer.

8:30am-ish Thursday

My four wisdom teeth are pulled.


My mouth is numb most of the day, I eat lots of white foods (seriously: mac & cheese, yogurt, milk, soup, egg whites, ice cream), watch movies and TV, play two hands of rummy, sleep, claim I'm not that drugged, then promptly call my Vicodin Viagra, and sleep some more.

Hopefully today will bring fewer drugs, less pain, and more with-it-ness.

Happy summer!

(And you are now allowed to tell me your wisdom teeth horror stories. Especially if they're funny.)

Monday, May 23, 2011

To My Body

Dear Body,

I thought we had an understanding.

Because even though I don't know what you're doing or why you're doing it most of the time (and I don't think you know either), I thought we'd reached an understanding.

You hurt me. I don't know why. Screaming and hating you didn't work; neither did blood tests, doctors, and drugs. So I've reached a place of acceptance. Mostly.

And for your part, you're slowly improving. Some days, you only come armed with half your weapons. An anchor to weigh me down and tire me out, but the jack hammer will not show up, giving my head a rest. And you've stopped twisting and squeezing my intestines. Mostly.

So I thought we had reached a compromise.

I would treat you kindly and with respect, while you would gradually retire your instruments of pain.

So why, on the second to last day of school, did you let it all come rushing back? I am doing my best not to be angry, but I would like a reason. Or at the very least, just keep the germs and everything else at bay, for a few more days.


Love, Me

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Friday, May 20, 2011

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Eleven Things

Let me first say, for the record, that I detest the word happy. Nonetheless, here is a list of eleven things that makes me happy.

The promise an empty canvas holds.

When people remember little thing about me that I didn't expect them to remember.

My routines.

Breaking my routines.

Finding something I love, that just feels right.

Really good books.

Music that fits my mood perfectly.

My cat's purr.

Folding paper cranes.

The Friends theme song.

The whole summer stretching out before me.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Scrambled Monday

It's 9:30. I have yet to do anything productive this morning. But I guess that depends on how one defines "productive". Because I have eaten breakfast, read blogs, commented on a few, read email, looked at my week, decided it shouldn't already be Monday again, and now I am writing my own post.

My own scrambled thoughts that are somehow supposed to form a coherent whole.

This Monday marks the second to last Monday of the school year. I am thrilled and beyond excited, but not at this very moment. At this very moment, I feel sick, and a whole week just sounds like too much.

So I am trying not to think of it as a week. Right now all that I need to do is write this. Because I feel scrambled and out-of-sorts, and I'm hoping that by writing it down, I will become a little more grounded, and a little more prepared for my tutor's arrival.

I made muffins this weekend. I adore muffins. Muffins have the ability to make it all seem okay. I love muffins.

Yes, so, I love muffins, and I made a bunch to give to my teachers for the end of school. Along with a pack of cards that I made, just simple ones with a photograph on the front and blank inside.

I am trying to figure out how to sell these cards of mine. I've made some money off my parents, but that doesn't really count. I had them in a coffee shop for a while, where I sold several, but the owner was impossible to track down. I think it's just a matter of going into the stores and asking. Because the worst that can happen is they say no, right?

I need to finish writing the cards for my teachers, and then I am going to attempt to do some homework. Which really needs to be done, but I'm not sure how "productive" I'm going to be.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


The wind blows gently over her face, mussing her hair. She tucks it more securely behind both ears and turns to her right to check one more time.

She gets the go-ahead. She takes a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. The metal is cold against her sweating fingers. She turns the keys. The engine catches and rumbles to life.

Looking down at her feet, she repeats to herself, "Clutch, brake, gas".

On her right, the stick is firmly in first. With hands glued at 10 and 2, she eases her foot off the brake. Oh! Wait. She forgot to release the clutch. Her right foot slams onto the gas while she yanks her foot off the clutch. The car splutters, protesting loudly, and then goes silent.


She breathes.

Positions her feet back onto the clutch and brake, prepared to try again. Looking right, she gets a quick smile. Turning her attention back onto the road ahead, she checks her mirrors.

Turns the key. Checks the mirrors again, just in case a car has appeared on the deserted dirt road behind her in the last 12 seconds. She's still in first.

Clutch off, brake off, gas on. Gently. Oh so gently. Carefully.

The car jerks forward. And goes silent.


Monday, May 9, 2011

Monday Morning Thoughts

I've pretty much settled into my routine. Waking up an hour and a half earlier certainly wouldn't be my first choice, but my body seems to be unmovable. It does make my mornings a lot longer!

 I am heading out for take two of the SATs in about an hour. After this, I should be done with standardized tests. Just one more item I can check off my list.

I had a nice weekend; seeing grandparents, planting tomatoes, celebrating Mother's Day, putting screens back on the windows, and just generally soaking up the beginning of summer.

Not my favorite season for weather, but the no school aspect of it does a pretty good job of making up for the horrific hot-ness. And there's something undeniably hopeful about it. The start of a new season, greeting the new plants, preparing for the inside/outside ratio to flip.

I am driving. On back roads. With my father trying to pretend he's not hanging on for dear life. Be very afraid. I am.

I have two more weeks of school. Excuse me while I go through a party.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Weekly Winners: Mother's Day

My Weekly Winners, plus a few flowers for all the moms out there on Mother's Day.

Friday, May 6, 2011


There is a poster leaning against my wall. It is a recently white wall; I just took down two posters that have been up for years. Perfectly nice posters, but it was time for a change. There is something I love about open, white walls. Something cliched about new beginnings and the promise of hope....

This new poster is supposed to be "me". How in the world I think I am going to capture all of me, all of my complicated being, on one poster is beyond me, but I'm trying. 

It needs more, but I'm not quite sure what that more is.

Here is what it holds so far:


At least we live tonight.
Bring light where you see darkness, bring freedom where there is fear, and begin to heal.
Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.
In the midst of winter, I discovered that there was in me an invincible summer.
Nothing worthwhile is achieved overnight.
Don’t count your owls before they are delivered.
As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads.
It’s just enough to find a way to open up again and learn to taste all the beauty that’s inside.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Let go of the past and go for the future. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you imagined.
When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know peace.
It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Sunday, May 1, 2011