lately

So I finally sent in that advising form. Let's focus more on the "yay, you did it!" rather than "ohmygosh that took you how long?", ok?

***

I'm having a going-away-off-to-college party in about a month. I so wish you all could come. All of you who have supported me and read my nonsensical rambling for the past however many years.

***

It's incredibly easy to become anti-social.

It's not that I don't want to see people, it's just that it takes an awful lot of effort. It's so much easier to stay at home and read books and paint my toenails.

But I need people.

***

I have re-discovered books. Not that I ever gave up on them or anything, just that I got busy and sort of forgot how lovely it is to completely lose myself in someone else's story.

That also means I've been staying up very late. And sleeping in very late.

It's been wonderful.

Although I am a little worried for August 30th, when I'll have to start getting up for an 8am class at least twice a week. That might be a little ugly.

***

I've missed my blog. I've missed you.

Big Stuff

There are big things on my mind.

Things like what classes I should take this fall.

And how I should be filling out the "All About Me" form.

The one that asks deep questions about me that will require some actual thought.

I'm really not interested in thinking. At the moment.

Things like this fire.

The hundreds of people who have lost their homes.

How lucky I am.

How I actually feel about it all.

Because I think it's pretty well known that to get through I go into "don't think about it" mode.

Which is great, because it gets me through the moment.

It allows me to do what needs to be done without being emotional.

But still, looking around at my house and knowing that what I might never see it again--that's big.

I know, intellectually, that it's big.

But I don't think that emotionally it's sunk in that it's big.

Or maybe I just think it should be big.

Whatever.

Big stuff on my mind, so I am going to continue listening to show tunes and not thinking about the big stuff.

Because it's big and I clearly don't yet know how I feel about it.

a break

I have found that lately, I haven't had much to say.

Or just not here.

Okay, none of that is true.

I haven't been writing. At all.

And I miss it, sure, but it's also been a lovely break.

Sometimes I love something so much that I want to do it all the time and forget to give myself a break.

This time life intervened and made me take a break.

I just didn't have the time, or energy, or brain space to write here.

And now?

Well when I think of it, it still feels like a to-do.

So I've continued to eat popsicles and read and do a whole lot of nothing.

Which has been quite fantastic.

I'll be back.

You know I will.

titles are hard

I didn't take any pictures this week.

Not a single one.

And I'm perfectly okay with that.

Because I wasn't feeling it.

And it wasn't like I felt like I had this huge gaping hole in my life, that I didn't have time to fill.

I'm just getting to the huge gaping hole part.

So I think I just needed some space.

(I realize I've been taking a lot lately. Whatever.)

And I subconsciously knew that without knowing that I knew.

My subconscious is tricky like that.

I may be slightly sleep-deprived.

And still on a bit of a sugar high.

And hilarious Mad-Lib high.

Anyhow.

I recently discovered Regina Spektor and her music.

My new love.

A Break

Today marks the first day of my Thanksgiving Break. I have been anticipating these days for the past several weeks. I want to do lots, as well as rest...

Make my bed. Pulling up the covers without straightening or tucking only works for so long.

Bake. Preferably something with pumpkin.

Read. Everything. And especially the new Inheritance book.

Watch movies.

Get caught up.

Do school work. (Boring, I know. But I have a project to do and a research paper to write.)

Watch football.

Do I dare say Christmas shopping?

Get back in touch with my camera.

Edit pictures. I have a huge backlog to go through--some from before Halloween.

Knit. Some more. I just finished a scarf in record-breaking time.

Distract myself. From the fact that 28 days from now, I will hear back from Grinnell. The one and only school to which I applied. (No, I'm not obsessively counting down the days. What gave you that idea?)

on things i'm loving right now...

...my illness not being the center of every conversation i have. people have moved on, i'm moving on, i'm getting better. it's so wonderful to hear about other people's lives. to not be watching people's expressions as i explain, wondering if they really get it. or if they even believe me.

...feeling better. i love that i can say that. no ifs ands or buts. it's a fact. not fixed, but better.

...being a senior. depending on my mood, this could also end up on a "things i'm hating right now" list.

...thinking about college. again with the mixed emotions. but, it's going to happen. i am thrilled and nervous and terrified and excited.

...functioning headphones.

...two huge piles of books sitting by my bed. i can't wait to sit back and dig in.

rambling

I just closed everything I had up and going. Facebook, blogs, two emails, yada yada yada. I've needed this. This chance to take a break. I feel like I've been so busy doing nothing that I haven't actually taken the time to do nothing.

To sit down and sort out some of my thoughts. Jumbled, crazy thoughts.

***

I took photos for my cousin's wedding shower about three weeks ago. It was fun, in a crazy, new, intimidating sort of way. I am definitely not a people photographer, and I thought it was just due to lack of practice.

But I got home and was just dragging my feet in every way possible on getting the photos edited and out to my family. I finally did it, and got them done yesterday. It felt so good to be done. But then when I got my camera out, with pictures of flowers, and a ripening strawberry, and a ladybug, I felt so much happier.

It wasn't that I was burned out on editing photos, or just photography in general, it's just that the people photos aren't where I am happy. The macros, the shots of little things, that's my comfort zone. But also so much more because it's where I can relax, and feel confident. Where I'm happy in the process and in the final product.

***

I'm listening to Mumford & Sons.

My favorite quote is from one of their songs: "your soul you must keep totally free".

***

After writing posts like this, it is so tempting to go back and hit the delete button. It would be so easy to pretend that it never existed. To hide my scars and the scarier, darker bits back into the recesses of my messy closet. But they do exist, and I'm chosing to believe that by sharing them, they aren't quite as scary. By putting them out into the world, they lose some of their power over me.

I'm chosing to fight the feelings of inadequacy, or what I feel will be judgement coming from other people. This is my space. Mine. And it is a place where I can be myself, the dark and light.

***

I'm on Facebook. I finally gave in. I'm still figuring out what all it will allow me to do, and what I don't want it to do. There are so many people coming out of my past, saying hi, asking how I am. It's weird, but also kind of cool. I just wish Facebook wasn't so convinced I should be friends with my ex-best friend.

Believe me, Facebook, I tried.

Toothless Freedom

4pm Tuesday

Seniors officially graduate.

I watch the caps spin through the air, imagining myself in their shoes.

One year.

12:05pm Wednesday

I am officially a senior.

It still hasn't sunk in. I've spent so much time anticipating this moment. Now that it's here, I'm not quite sure what to do with it.

This summer is my school work-free summer. I am ignoring my Intro to Business class, because it should be super easy and I am just ready to have a school-free summer.

8:30am-ish Thursday

My four wisdom teeth are pulled.

Thursday

My mouth is numb most of the day, I eat lots of white foods (seriously: mac & cheese, yogurt, milk, soup, egg whites, ice cream), watch movies and TV, play two hands of rummy, sleep, claim I'm not that drugged, then promptly call my Vicodin Viagra, and sleep some more.

Hopefully today will bring fewer drugs, less pain, and more with-it-ness.

Happy summer!

(And you are now allowed to tell me your wisdom teeth horror stories. Especially if they're funny.)

Scrambled Monday

It's 9:30. I have yet to do anything productive this morning. But I guess that depends on how one defines "productive". Because I have eaten breakfast, read blogs, commented on a few, read email, looked at my week, decided it shouldn't already be Monday again, and now I am writing my own post.

My own scrambled thoughts that are somehow supposed to form a coherent whole.

This Monday marks the second to last Monday of the school year. I am thrilled and beyond excited, but not at this very moment. At this very moment, I feel sick, and a whole week just sounds like too much.

So I am trying not to think of it as a week. Right now all that I need to do is write this. Because I feel scrambled and out-of-sorts, and I'm hoping that by writing it down, I will become a little more grounded, and a little more prepared for my tutor's arrival.

I made muffins this weekend. I adore muffins. Muffins have the ability to make it all seem okay. I love muffins.

Yes, so, I love muffins, and I made a bunch to give to my teachers for the end of school. Along with a pack of cards that I made, just simple ones with a photograph on the front and blank inside.

I am trying to figure out how to sell these cards of mine. I've made some money off my parents, but that doesn't really count. I had them in a coffee shop for a while, where I sold several, but the owner was impossible to track down. I think it's just a matter of going into the stores and asking. Because the worst that can happen is they say no, right?

I need to finish writing the cards for my teachers, and then I am going to attempt to do some homework. Which really needs to be done, but I'm not sure how "productive" I'm going to be.

Monday Morning Thoughts

I've pretty much settled into my routine. Waking up an hour and a half earlier certainly wouldn't be my first choice, but my body seems to be unmovable. It does make my mornings a lot longer!

 I am heading out for take two of the SATs in about an hour. After this, I should be done with standardized tests. Just one more item I can check off my list.

I had a nice weekend; seeing grandparents, planting tomatoes, celebrating Mother's Day, putting screens back on the windows, and just generally soaking up the beginning of summer.

Not my favorite season for weather, but the no school aspect of it does a pretty good job of making up for the horrific hot-ness. And there's something undeniably hopeful about it. The start of a new season, greeting the new plants, preparing for the inside/outside ratio to flip.

I am driving. On back roads. With my father trying to pretend he's not hanging on for dear life. Be very afraid. I am.

I have two more weeks of school. Excuse me while I go through a party.

Minus Two Hours of Sleep

This morning my body decided it would be appropriate to wake up two hours earlier than the scheduled time. Which is really much too early. I have decided it must be the light, because the light I can fix. I will get one of those eye-cover contraptions and be all sleepy like a normal person.

But today I am awake. I wish I could say I had been productive, but really, I haven't.

I ate breakfast. Like usual. Except for the two hours earlier part. And I started a new book. One that I know I have pretty much no chance of finishing in the two weeks the library gives me.

I did math homework. And by did, I mean I spent five minutes on each problem, banging my head on the table and trying to figure out ways in which I could convince my tutor that the book has multiple typos, and therefore I am actually correct.

I turned on the computer and attempted to restart it, which took about 29 minutes. But I did get to read The Economist, which makes me feel smart.

I uploaded some pictures from my camera to the computer, after which I discovered that the vast majority were out of focus and pretty terrible.

I emailed a few people. I guess that counts as semi-productive.

And now I am here. After reading about Haven's  early morning, which inspired me to write this post. Which I'm pretty sure is completely nonsensical and definitely does not get a check under the "productive" column.

Random Any Day Thoughts

So The Un Mom is currently taking a hiatus from Random Tuesday Thoughts. Even though there are still places for me to link my random thoughts and make them all official, I have decided that it means I can be random any day of the week.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

The last Harry Potter movie is coming out July 15. I have said since forever that I want to go to the midnight premiere of the last movie. And now it looks like it might actually happen!

I spent about 32 hours organizing my Flickr page  last weekend. You will be relieved to learn that all my photos are now tagged and sorted just as I want them to be. At least for a month or so. Then I'll spend another 59 hours reorganizing and undoing all of last weekend's work.

I have always wanted to learn Morse Code. This may or may not happen, mostly because I'm lazy and it would take time and effort, and less because I doubt I would ever have any use for it. But, if I do learn it and commit it to my long-term memory, and then I have to use it (because I'm stranded on a deserted island or something equally likely), it would totally make my day.

I watched The Amazing Race last night and was horrified by the team that shoved the guy out of his cab. Horrified. Maybe it's just me, but I think that's pretty low. And people wonder why Americans have such a bad reputation?

I was getting directions the other day. The woman told me to hang two rights. So I was down in the deep dark baement, and I hung two rights. And promptly got lost. So I was talking to myself (yes, I talk to myself) and saying "Maybe I hung too many rights...". And promptly got freaked out that someone would hear me talking to myself, in the scary, abandoned basement, and think I had just put a noose around somebody's neck and killed them. Lucky for me, the deep dark basement was pretty abandoned, so I am not currently suspected of any murders, by hanging or otherwise.

I am completely incapable of taking my pulse while doing anything other than sitting very, very still and staring at a clock.

I should really be doing research on reflective essays right now

currently

I am...

looking forward to a trip to see a friend I've seen once in the past four years.

enjoying my second consecutive day of no tutoring, due to a sick tutor.

loving feeling more like a teen-adult than a teen-child.

so excited for summer.

reading a few really good books.

thrilled with my SAT scores.

still going to take them again.

so relieved my camera is okay.

getting my wisdom teeth out (all four!) taken out the first day of summer.

finding myself looking forward to volunteering at the hospital every week.

in a pretty good mood.

I am not...

excited for the constant heat that summer brings.

feeling overly creative, hence the list writing.

giving you permission to tell your wisdom teeth horror stories. At least for another seven weeks.

finding myself very excited for art class.

able to move, because there is a cat on my lap.

feeling very good.

On the last eight days

Today:
I can't believe it's only Tuesday
I had a wonderful weekend
but it was full
which means I didn't feel like I really recovered from last week before this week began

on Monday:
I had a surprisingly good day considering how full the week felt

on Sunday:

we watched the Super Bowl

we ate Indian food

yum

on Saturday:

I had my training for volunteering at the hospital on the post-surgery floor

I'm pretty excited

I had art class

I have another painting that feels stuck

it's not done, but I'm not sure where it's going

on Friday and Thursday:

I had school

on Wednesday and Tuesday:

school was canceled due to "extreme cold" 

we were sadly lacking in the snow department

on Monday:

I had school and what felt like 37 doctors appointments

Last Hurrah

On my last days of freedom...

I went shopping. Socks, boots, and glasses. I should be able to see in 2-2 1/2 weeks.

I do have contacts, but that's not the point.

I watched my parents finish their 1000 piece puzzle.

Fell even more in love with my camera.

Bought some music on iTunes with my Christmas gift card. Switchfoot is on a constant loop on my iPod.

Got halfway through the Spanish book I'm reading.

Goodreads depressed me by telling me I got my first friend. I know it's just a website, but did they really have to put it like that? I'm fine with little white lies.

I watched Knight and Day, which was what I expected it to be (a C-grade comedy/romance/action), except way funnier.

Realized the Superbowl is only a month away!

I was reminded that as much as I love vacation, I love having a routine.

Started reading Twilight again for some strange reason. I like the first half or so, and then usually it finds its way back onto my shelf until I'm bored and book-less again.

A Glorious Day of Nothing

My parents are skiing today. I am anticipating another day of glorious nothingness. To bask in the glow of my new camera. To not have to do anything, go anywhere, or be accountable to anyone.

There were mumblings and vague ideas about spending a couple night up in the mountains that have since been forgotten. I am having such a wonderful time being a slug. I am sure it would be great, but it just feels like extra effort since being here is so great.

There are no schedules. As much as I thrive on routine (and change, strangely enough), it is such a wonderful way to wake up; an unplanned day stretching before me.

Only three doctors all break.

One optometrist, who I'm actually looking forward to seeing. Besides needing new contacts to actually be able to see, I am also getting new glasses. I wear them only at night, so it hasn't really seemed worth it. But the frames are old and falling apart just a little bit, not to mention the perscription is from years ago.

One dentist. He's perfectly nice and I don't anticipate any problems, knock on wood, so I'm not really bothered.

One cardiologist. He's my new doc who's taking the lead on my treatment. Hopefully it will be shorter than the last, hour and a half, appointment.

Three doctors in as many weeks is a very nice, manageable number, especially since they're not being squeezed between my school and my parents' work.

My parents are puzzle people. I am not. At all. I sat down at the table, moved a few pieces around, and declared "I give up" after about thirty seconds.

It's become a tradition to bring one out over the holidays. My parents do tend to get a bit obsessed, going to bed later and later, until it's done and we get our dining room table back.

I spend the time inhaling books. Passable novels mostly, a great one if I'm lucky, with a few on the history of the Middle East thrown in for good measure.

I refuse to think about school, although I'm counting down the days in my head.

I'm off to take some pictures, or drink some hot chocolate, or watch a movie, in my pajamas.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Sage Advice

I never talk about my fish anymore. Not since I realized how not interesting it is to read about them. They are still swimming. (Well, two out of the three.)

I'm really enjoying my history class this year. Which is sort of a first for me. It's actually Constitutional and Criminal Law. In other words, I'm learning about things that actually affect me-directly.

I hate cold sores.

We have milk in our fridge that supposedly expires December 17. I dont'believe it. My mom suggested I save some until then to see if it's right. I think I'll be okay knowing I'm right, sans proof.

You know the characters in books that exist solely to give sage advice to the main characters? Well, there's a  character from The Truth About Forever who isn't exactly that, but close enough.

The other day was not going so great, and I remembered her saying, "We know where we stand. Now things can only get better."

I thought about it. It helped.

Unfortunately, now that I've shared it, the magic is probably gone. Oh, well. I'll just have to keep reading books with wise characters full of sage advice.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: There Was an Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly

I watched the weirdest, strangest movie last night. I’m still not sure what it was about, or if there even was a point.

I’m sick of talking and thinking about standardized testing. Suffice it to say I sort of agreed with someone I overheard during a break saying, “Standardized testing will be the death of me".

I’m sixteen. No exclamation points. I don’t feel different; I stopped expecting to feel a change after I hit double digits.

Although it was cool hearing from my cousins and friends all over the world that I don't hear from often. The presents and chocolate cake didn't hurt, either.

The whole family has a cold. Even the cat has been sneezing.

My Spanish teacher had us translate “There Was an Old Woman” (who swallowed a fly). Ever since I’ve had a messed up Spanish/English version stuck in my head.

Sometimes hearing about other people hurts is reassuring, knowing I’m not alone. Sometimes it’s just depressing.

Go get random and un-depressed with The Un Mom.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: A Constipated Snail

Friday needs to hurry up and get here.

My dad took his class on an extended field trip, so he will be gone for most of this week. I discovered Monday morning that he took the plastic bowls that I always eat breakfast in. And I mean always. (I may be just a little OCD.) I seriously considered having something other than my standard Crispix for breakfast, but the only thing that would have been acceptable would be hot cereal, and I was too lazy to make it. So laziness can be good, when it combats my OCD.

My Spanish teacher taught us the word for constipated. Don't worry, you can hold off on calling Child Protective Services just yet. A student wanted to know, so she told him. Granted, she did then write a story about a constipated snail...

My toilet seat cover has, for the longest time, squeaked. Lately it's been one of those things that just really irritated me and sounded like the loudest noise possible. So I finally made the effort to walk the five feet or so from my bathroom, grab the WD40, and oil it up. Now the lack of sound makes me smile. When was the last time you smiled when you opened the toilet seat cover?

I have a birthday in a little over a month. (Wow, just looked at the date. 30 days. That's soon!) My mom asked me the other day what I wanted for my birthday. And my list is still about two items long. I guess this is a good thing, because it means I won't be drowning in useless stuff. However, it does leave a lot of decisions up to my parents. (Not that I don't trust them or anything.)

I Should Be in the Record Books

This morning I woke up at 9:46. I had overslept by about an hour; I had turned my alarm off instead of hitting the snooze button. This wouldn't be a problem on most days, just a mild inconvience. Today, however, I had a meeting at school with my teachers and counselor and tutor at school, at 10:15. That meant we were supposed to leave a minute before I was awake.

So I was awake, mostly, with contacts in, clothes on, and full purse, in 6 minutes. It took another 3 minutes to grab a granola bar, put shoes on, and get in the car. So yes, I definitely belong in some sort of world record book. Because, nine minutes to wake up and be out the door? Pretty amazing. At least in my book.

The meeting went fine. Nothing earth-shattering, and it seems like all the teachers are pretty willing to work with me, and hand control over to my tutor. Which will make my life a whole lot easier than last year.

I got info on the PSAT, which I am taking in a month. I will not freak out.

I got lucky because my tutor's husband surprised her with a massage for her birthday. It just happens to be at the time we were supposed to meet this afternoon. It's a win-win situation; she gets to have a massage, and I don't have to do work.

Now I'm off to Spanish class. Adios.