rambling

I just closed everything I had up and going. Facebook, blogs, two emails, yada yada yada. I've needed this. This chance to take a break. I feel like I've been so busy doing nothing that I haven't actually taken the time to do nothing.

To sit down and sort out some of my thoughts. Jumbled, crazy thoughts.

***

I took photos for my cousin's wedding shower about three weeks ago. It was fun, in a crazy, new, intimidating sort of way. I am definitely not a people photographer, and I thought it was just due to lack of practice.

But I got home and was just dragging my feet in every way possible on getting the photos edited and out to my family. I finally did it, and got them done yesterday. It felt so good to be done. But then when I got my camera out, with pictures of flowers, and a ripening strawberry, and a ladybug, I felt so much happier.

It wasn't that I was burned out on editing photos, or just photography in general, it's just that the people photos aren't where I am happy. The macros, the shots of little things, that's my comfort zone. But also so much more because it's where I can relax, and feel confident. Where I'm happy in the process and in the final product.

***

I'm listening to Mumford & Sons.

My favorite quote is from one of their songs: "your soul you must keep totally free".

***

After writing posts like this, it is so tempting to go back and hit the delete button. It would be so easy to pretend that it never existed. To hide my scars and the scarier, darker bits back into the recesses of my messy closet. But they do exist, and I'm chosing to believe that by sharing them, they aren't quite as scary. By putting them out into the world, they lose some of their power over me.

I'm chosing to fight the feelings of inadequacy, or what I feel will be judgement coming from other people. This is my space. Mine. And it is a place where I can be myself, the dark and light.

***

I'm on Facebook. I finally gave in. I'm still figuring out what all it will allow me to do, and what I don't want it to do. There are so many people coming out of my past, saying hi, asking how I am. It's weird, but also kind of cool. I just wish Facebook wasn't so convinced I should be friends with my ex-best friend.

Believe me, Facebook, I tried.