Friday, May 25, 2012

That one place where a title's supposed to go

I don't know what I'm feeling.

It's up down left right.

All over the place.

And changing constantly.

I've written a few posts and then promptly deleted them.

Because they didn't say what I really meant.

Which is funny because I don't know what I mean.

I graduated high school.

Don't ask me how I feel.

I don't know.

I had one year with these people.

These amazing, beautiful people.

Who, on the one hand, I may never see again. It was one year.

On the other hand, I feel like I really connected with some of them.

There are times where I feel left out and unknown.

Times when I'm grateful for this opportunity to have met everyone.

Times when I feel so loved and included I can't believe it's only been a year.

Times when I regret I didn't have more time.

I haven't written because I haven't known what to say.

But I miss it.

And I think while sometimes stepping back and just letting things be can be beneficial, I think in this instance, I've hurt myself.

Writing is my way to process.

Without it, I've only been spinning my wheels.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

a break

I have found that lately, I haven't had much to say.

Or just not here.

Okay, none of that is true.

I haven't been writing. At all.

And I miss it, sure, but it's also been a lovely break.

Sometimes I love something so much that I want to do it all the time and forget to give myself a break.

This time life intervened and made me take a break.

I just didn't have the time, or energy, or brain space to write here.

And now?

Well when I think of it, it still feels like a to-do.

So I've continued to eat popsicles and read and do a whole lot of nothing.

Which has been quite fantastic.

I'll be back.

You know I will.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

the end of the year sappy-ness is starting

In my room, my graduation gown is hanging. With my dorky mortarboard and colorful cords. Just waiting.

Two weeks.

Tomorrow I take my AP Calculus test. I don't remember how much I've said about all that business here. Mostly because I've been talking about it incessantly everywhere else. And it's been sort of nice to take a break from thinking about it all.

Friday is my last day of observation in the hospital. Writing the final essay is just making me sad.

But also confirming everything that it's taught me.

But mostly the sad thing.

Maybe that's where all this end high school emotion is going. Because I gotta say, I'm not feeling much of it about high school. It just feels like another stepping stone, or some days, a big hoop to jump, on my way to something new. Something bigger.

It feels like I've only been at this school for a year. This one year where I've really started over in many ways. With friends. With classes.

Leaving everything else behind.

Or at least trying to.

Pretending to.

And although I've made some friends, some really great friends, actually, I'm ready to move on.

I'll remember them, think of them fondly, send them Christmas cards. But I don't feel very attached, at least in the long term. I knew going in that it was going to be one year. And so, while I didn't hold myself back, I also knew this was coming.

And now that it's upon me, I am more than ready.

Monday, May 7, 2012

where do I start?

How am I supposed to sum up this experience in just three pages? Where do I even start?

I got lost, I learned, I saw. I found a place for me, I met people who reminded me a lot of me. I met people who I never would have met otherwise.

I stayed up late. I refused to miss those precious four hours. Just four hours each week.

How am I supposed to write three whole pages? I don't know where to start.

It has been such an intense, and in many ways, very personal experience, that I don't know how to put it into words.

Let alone words that are going to be read and graded.

I saw more than I ever anticipated.

I asked questions and got more complete, enthusiastic answers than ever before.

I never knew what to expect. I thrived on the atmosphere of taking care of people.

I will miss it. I will never forget it.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

the dance

What I'll remember won't be the dance itself. It was just another dance. Albeit, one where I wasn't terrified to take off my shoes. What I'll remember are the people. Walking around in our underwear. Trying to paint my nails crazy fast. And failing. The 44 bobby pins my friend managed to put in my hair. And afterwards, lounging around in PJ pants, playing charades and laughing. Just because sometimes, life is just so funny.

Friday, May 4, 2012

All Alright, We Are Young, and all the other song titles that relate to me at this moment

Tonight is prom. My senior prom. And I keep wondering how I got here.

I was here the whole time, but somehow I wasn't. I was too busy focused on me and getting better and sometimes just getting through the day to notice that the world was still going on around me.

That I kept accruing credits, enough to graduate, in fact.

Just because my world stopped didn't mean that the whole world halted.

I've been listening to Fun. (the band) a lot. All Alright, Carry On. It's the kind of music that makes me want to dance and sing and shout from the rooftops that yes, it is all alright.

So. Prom.

I have the dress. Nails are drying. A friend is coming over to do my hair and makeup. Going out to dinner. Taking pictures. And then....I don't really know what happens after that.

Whatever happens, happens.

I have no clue what that will be. I sure hope it'll be good.

But I'll be here, part of the crazy world, to experience it.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


I've been writing and thinking a lot lately about life. Not in a big, grand, why are we here? way, but more of a life sucks sometimes and the different ways we deal with it way.

I'm sort of torn on the subject. I don't deal well with whining. But that doesn't mean bottling it all up is healthy. I also think we all have problems and it's good to be reminded of that. No matter how small they seem from the outside. I think people can be insensitive, mostly because they just don't get it. I think people also like to err on the dramatic side.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this. It's more of an ongoing wonderingment.

Looking at how I deal with stress and the things in my life. And how other people deal with all of it.

I know what I do--I bottle it all up and put on my nice fine just fine face. Which on the one hand, allows me to get through the day. On the other hand, I can get really stuck in the camp of feeling like no one gets me ohmygod I'm so alone, because I haven't let anyone in.

I don't like complaining about my problems. It doesn't help anything. But if you don't say anything, then you're completely cutting yourself off from the world. Because life is not all rainbows and ice cream.

It's all about finding a balance. Seeking out and celebrating the happy shiny things. And acknowledging and dealing with the dark and twisty things.

And in both the celebration and just-getting-by times, people are important. Friends, relationships, people who will laugh with you and pick you up when you fall.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Let It Go

I think many times, the best thing one can do is to let it go. Whatever "it" happens to be. Because most of the time we won't get closure or a nice pretty bow with an "I'm sorry". So you have to find a way to deal with it and move on. Otherwise it will fester and grow and mutate and generally make things pretty miserable.

Trust me.

So you gotta let it go.

Which, yes, is much easier said than done.

Trust me.

And it is also the worst possible thing you could ever possibly say to anyone. Ever. If they're telling you all about their problems and you're sitting there thinking they should just get over it, resist the urge to say that.

Say nice, comforting things.

Just don't tell them to get over it.

I think that might be even worse than telling them to let it go.

You can only really let go once you've stopped thinking those three words over and over. Only once it's no longer a conscious action, the letting go.

Only after time. Lots and lots of time. And backward progress. Ups and downs.

Then maybe, one day, you'll realize that by letting go of making yourself let it go, you truly did let it go.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012


Somehow, I have my license. I am driving to school, with no one beside me. Really not sure how that happened. Paid $21 and stopped at a few stop signs and suddenly I can go anywhere I want. Within reason.

Somehow, I'm graduating in 22 days. Really, really not sure how that happened.

Somehow, I'm going to college.

Suddenly, I have more good days than bad.

Somehow, I have friends to say goodbye to.

Everything is happening so fast. Has happened.

And I've been here the whole time.

It's not like I was in a coma.

They're not bad things; on the contrary, they're amazing.

I'm not sad. Just, surprised.

Life happens so fast.

And they expect me to be an adult??

Birthdays have nothing to do with growing up.

I still have six months before that craziness is upon me, though.