Monday, November 28, 2011

The Hospital

I think I've mentioned it in passing a couple of times. Really talked about it once.

Which is strange, because it means so much to me.

I think I haven't written about it because I didn't know how to put it into words. All that it means to me.

I want to do it justice.

For almost a year I've been volunteering every Saturday evening at the hospital.

I love it.

I have since my first shift.

It started out great because I was finally on the other side of things; a caregiver instead of a patient.

But it's turned into so much more than that.

It's a place where I feel safe and comfortable. I fit. I am known. I am part of a greater whole.

It is such a privilege to be part of such a dedicated group that works so hard to care for their patients.

And while the patients want nothing more than to go home, to escape the hospital, I'm the opposite.

The hospital is my escape.

From life and homework and procrastination.

To a place where I fit.

It just feels right.


And this thing is hospital related. It's actually really good news. And I promise I'll talk about it someday, when I've figured out what it means to me.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

on the last nine days

Coming into Thanksgiving Break, I had a bunch of ideas about what I wanted to do with my nine days of freedom.

I did not paint my nails. I know it wasn't on my list, but it was in my head. I do not understand how I did not find half an hour to take off the nail polish that's been on since Homecoming!

I did make my bed. More than once, even!

I don't really feel rested. It took me a while to figure out that to get more rest, I would have to go to sleep before 11.

But I did put those waking hours to good use reading Inheritance. I need someone to discuss it with!

I did not read my Spanish book. I'm not sure I'm ever going to pick it up again.

I spent a lot of time not being bored, but rather sitting around thinking about all the things I should be doing.

Therefore, I do not feel caught up. At all.

There was much baking. Two pumpkin cheesecakes. Yum.

And knitting. Lots of knitting.

Lots of watching football. Happy Tela.

Despite all the things I did not accomplish, there was lots of giving thanks.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Giving Thanks

I am thankful for many things.




Laughing so hard I can't breathe.


Warm houses.

Having a house that is home.





From the radio.

And from the birds.

Toe socks.

Hair that cooperates.

Pretty things.





The road ahead of me.



Being young.


This moment. Right now.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Letting Down

I am just starting to let down.

The stress and weight of school and all the things I must do still press on me, but I am working to let them go.

I don't need to worry. They will get done, or they won't. And I only have so much control over the outcome.

So I curled up on the couch and took a nap. I watched my cat watch the world outside. I admired my newly knitted hat. I read Inheritance.

Now I sit down to re-work an essay. I listen to music. I let the peace of a cold day seep into me. The knowledge that there is nowhere I have to go fills me. Nothing urgent must be attended to.

I sit. I drink my orange juice. The sound of the furnace lulls me into a tranquil state.


I let it all go.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

A Break

Today marks the first day of my Thanksgiving Break. I have been anticipating these days for the past several weeks. I want to do lots, as well as rest...

Make my bed. Pulling up the covers without straightening or tucking only works for so long.

Bake. Preferably something with pumpkin.

Read. Everything. And especially the new Inheritance book.

Watch movies.

Get caught up.

Do school work. (Boring, I know. But I have a project to do and a research paper to write.)

Watch football.

Do I dare say Christmas shopping?

Get back in touch with my camera.

Edit pictures. I have a huge backlog to go through--some from before Halloween.

Knit. Some more. I just finished a scarf in record-breaking time.

Distract myself. From the fact that 28 days from now, I will hear back from Grinnell. The one and only school to which I applied. (No, I'm not obsessively counting down the days. What gave you that idea?)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Weekly Winners: 11/11/11

I decided to do something slightly different this week. All these shots are from 11/11/11, just of my everyday life.

Sunday, November 6, 2011


I'm feeling rather overwhelmed.

It's just sort of everything that seems to be at the same time. There may be enough hours in the day to type all the words, but my brain cannot function for very long. I can't write quality words all the live long day.

I think I just need to start. Because that's all I can do--start, and give it the best I've got.

I know this, yet I can't help but freak out and go into the whole but if I don't I'll fail and won't get into college and end up working at the corner store pumping gas, all because I couldn't come up with the right words.

I don't know where to start. Somehow, talking with my teacher gave me less confidence in myself. (Although that's really not surprising, considering that he told me he wondered how he was ever going to teach me to write.)

(Those last two sentences are my compromise on this. Maybe more will come later, maybe not.)

My compromise was to start here. It might not be something I can send to a college, or have my overly judgmental teacher grade, but it's a way for me to get the words flowing.

To remember that I can write.

And that sometimes I'm even pretty good at it.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

on anonymity

I never really thought about the implications or potential consequences of having my real name on my blog.

No, my last name isn't here. Although if you wanted to, you could probably get a pretty good idea of where I live.

But if I type my name into Google my blog doesn't come up. For which I'm glad. My goal isn't advertisement or followers. It's having a free space to write. A place where I feel safe.

And when changing from Terrie to Tela, I never thought that it might stop me from being completely free and open.

Now, though, I have something I want to say. It's rather similar to this. It's something I want to write. To share. Because that's how I process things and get them out of my head. But I don't want to write this thing if it might get back to the person. Or really, anyone. I don't want the Tela on this blog to be connected to the physical me who goes to school and hopes to one day get a job.

It's not that I want to tear someone apart, it's just that in this piece of my story, another person happens to play a rather large part. A not-so-positive part.

I'm confused.

I don't know what to do.

So I'm rambling.

But I think my options are really quite clear: write the story, get it out of my head, but keep the details vague, or don't write it. Figure out another way to get it out.