When I was a kid, I was independent and a perfectionist. This added up to lots of tears over things not done just right, but I still insisted on doing it by myself. We would joke that my middle name should be I Can Do It By Myself. I preferred Independent as a middle name, mostly because it made for some cool initials.
But it's true. I like to be right (or do I hate to be wrong?), to have all the answers, to not need help. Just me against the world. And to win. To do it right the first time.
Some of this has gotten better as I've gotten older. Or at least I've learned how to shut it out and ask for help. To accept that not getting a 10/10 is okay, sometimes.
I think that has been the hardest part of being sick for me; I can't fix it. I don't have the answers. And more than that-I can't do it alone. Me against the world philosophy doesn't work here. I need the help and support of parents, doctors, friends. And it's been a real learning experience to be able to say "I need help"
I still don't like saying these words and I will do my best to figure it out by myself first, but I will ask for the help.
It isn't my strong suit-admitting I don't know everything. I don't like it. It makes me feel out of control. I have to trust other people, and I have to trust myself to know my limits.
But I know it's something I need. I need it and use it now, as I probably will for the rest of my life. Which means that all the people who told me that when I was younger were correct. Grrr.
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