Disappearing

I'm home. Again. Third time this week. Three out of five is not good. It's not conducive to learning. And it's definitely not conducive to making friends.

Because for one, I disappear and reappear all the time. And so of course, people want to know where I went. So I tell them I wasn't feeling well, or was sick, or whatever. They know, in theory, about my illness. They asked up-front at the beginning of the year, and I told them. But it was quick. And not something any of us really wanted to linger on. No one wants to talk about being sick all the time, believe me.

But the reality is a lot harder to comprehend. I'm at school, looking fine, making jokes, getting almost straight As. And then I'm not there. And I say I'm sick, but they just see the words. They don't have the privilege of seeing me lying on the couch feeling terrible. Or how the numbers scramble when I look at my math homework and nothing makes sense.

I've always said that being fine just fine was my biggest problem. It makes it hard for people to see my illness. Therefore, it makes it hard for them to believe me. And even if they do believe me, to grasp how it permeates my life.

I don't want to talk about it all the time. I don't want it to be the main event in our friendship. But I know that it has to be more than it is. Otherwise I'll just become, again, the chick who disappears. With no explanation, no warning. And in the same way, I just reappear, looking and appearing just fine.