the hospital

I'm not sure how to put this into words.

I will try.

I was sick.

Sick sick sick.

Hardly left the house, except to see doctors.

Then I went to the hospital.

For the first time, I was not a patient, but a caregiver.

This in and of itself was huge.

I felt like I was doing something important. That I was contributing to a greater whole.

I became part of a team.

The people on that floor took me in and gave me a place where I belonged.

I can't really describe what it's like or why I love it so much.

Which is hard, but at the same time, it makes it feel like my special place. One that's just for me.

These people gave me an education about what it is to work in a hospital, to work and have a family, to take care of other people,

They taught me the more tangible things as well.

The medical jargon that I now speak relatively fluently.

The procedures and surgeries and hourly checks. The IVs and wheelchairs and shots and blood.

All I can tell you is that I love it and will miss it more than I can possibly imagine.

where to start?

I don't know where to start.

Last night was a late night.

Not so much with the sleep, but lots of packing. Organizing. List writing.

As was this morning.

My last fish is gone. His new home is a first grader classroom. Where I am sure there will be debates over whether he is, in fact, a he.

My room is really quiet. No filter running.

I can't bring myself to take my posters off the walls.

Not yet.

I can't bring myself to think about the fact that my friends are spreading all over the country.

That soon I'll be in a whole new state.

I can't believe how fast this is all happening.

All at once.

I want to be in that place of "I can't wait!!"

I want to be excited and ready and jumping out of my skin to leave.

I still seem to be stuck in shock.

Disbelief and sadness.

What have I gotten myself into?

Crisis of Blogging

I guess you could call it a crisis of blogging, this thing I'm having.

I don't want to write just for the sake of writing. I don't want this place to become some place I have to come and have to write for.

I also feel an obligation to my readers. The amazing people who have supported me and written to me and encouraged me. The ones who, even though we've never met in person, I have included in my extended family.

I have ideas. I have things I want to say.

I just have no drive or desire to come here to share them.

I came up with this theory the other day. After getting home from a trip and wanting to come here and share where I'd been and what I'd done and all the pictures I'd taken. I wondered if this was something I did to reassure myself, or to work things out (I know this is true. I only said a hundred times.) and that now I go out and live and work it out as I go.

I have more people in my life, physically, day to day. I work things out with them. They have become my sounding board.

Except I'm realizing as I write this that I still have stuff to work out. Obviously.

And I'm still pretty fond of psychoanalyzing myself.

I don't know where I'm going with this.

Just wanted to let you know what's going on.

Except I didn't really say anything, did I.

how to deal

I woke up this morning with my Facebook feed once again filled with thoughts and prayers and horror over what just happened in our beautiful state (the last time being the fire).

And there it is, splashed across the front page of every news site.

I couldn't stop saying "ohmygod ohmygod". Because really, what else is there to say?

And it's eery because the rest of the posts on Facebook were about friends going to see the movie. Different theater, different town. But still, too close for comfort. Way too close.

So I'm sitting here asking myself what I do now.

My life can't, won't, stop. That's not how it works.

And I am fortunate enough to not personally know any of the families affected. But that doesn't mean they aren't in shock and pain.

My life won't stop. Even though it feels like it should. The world keeps going.

As I see it, I have two choices.

Try to make the world stop. Hole up at home and obsessively read the news. Refuse to go anywhere. Talk about it ceaselessly. Mourn the loss of 12 wonderful human beings.

Or I can go out and return that dress. I can drive with the windows open and play the radio a little louder than usual. I can keep going with my life. But in the quiet moments, in-between songs, I'll stop. Stop to remember the ones who are no longer living this life. And stop to send a wish for comfort, for peace, for something, to all the families and people affected.

I can live my life; what else is there to do?

lately

So I finally sent in that advising form. Let's focus more on the "yay, you did it!" rather than "ohmygosh that took you how long?", ok?

***

I'm having a going-away-off-to-college party in about a month. I so wish you all could come. All of you who have supported me and read my nonsensical rambling for the past however many years.

***

It's incredibly easy to become anti-social.

It's not that I don't want to see people, it's just that it takes an awful lot of effort. It's so much easier to stay at home and read books and paint my toenails.

But I need people.

***

I have re-discovered books. Not that I ever gave up on them or anything, just that I got busy and sort of forgot how lovely it is to completely lose myself in someone else's story.

That also means I've been staying up very late. And sleeping in very late.

It's been wonderful.

Although I am a little worried for August 30th, when I'll have to start getting up for an 8am class at least twice a week. That might be a little ugly.

***

I've missed my blog. I've missed you.

Out and About in Central Park

My Groove

I can't seem to find it.

My groove.

My mojo.

It's lost.

It's gone.

It's having all these post ideas running through my head.

It's having thoughts and ideas and feeling like I have no one to share them with.

It's staying up late even though I'm exhausted.

It's all that is out of my control.

It's all that is in my control that I'm not bothering to take control of.

It's my messy room.

It's this one last college form I've been putting off for weeks.

It's everything.

It's that I know that this won't last forever, but I don't know how to make myself snap out of it.

It's reaching endings.

It's missing my friends.

It's smiling so huge, but not being able to keep that feeling.

It's....