only six months ago

It seems strange to me that it was only a few months ago I was desperately packing boxes and checking my list.

I made trips out to the car, arms full of falling apart boxes full of memories and old tax returns.

I figured out how to turn on the sprinklers, and decided that was all I could do outside. I had the car parked in the driveway, full of what amounted to three people's lives, ready to run.

And then I waited. I watched the news. I answered the phone, communicated with neighbors and friends and parents who were making the long drive back home.

I don't think about it now. It gave me, gave many of us, a great scare, but no more than that. Our house and neighborhood are both still standing.

I walk around my house, surrounded by familiarity.

Now there is a revised list hanging on the side of our refrigerator. One that includes clothes for us, one that means drawers have been reorganized and sturdier boxes are close at hand.

It is strange to remember those few days. Especially that day when it was just me. I was the only one around. I was responsible. But I distinctly remember realizing that as long as I got myself and the cat out, we would be okay. The rest was truly just stuff. We would recover.

We are prepared, as a family and as a community. No one really thought, I don't think, that it would happen. But it did, and we were some of the lucky ones.

***

I'm talking about this fire from the summer.

living

Sometimes I am astonished by the pain that people carry around. Their histories and stories that lie hidden beneath the surface.

I am awed by the pain that people feel and experience.

I am saddened by it too.

Shocked.

I am impressed by people's ability to survive.

To function.

To live.

I am constantly shocked by people's stories, because it is so easy to judge and make assumptions about someone based on their outward appearances. But really, I should know better than most that what is on the outside is almost certainly not the whole story.

I am impressed by people's ability to see and find the good.

To see the beauty and take the time away from the pain to capture the beauty.

I need to be reminded that to be human and to truly live means to feel. To feel the euphoria and the excruciating.

Both are equally important.

Both make us human.

the vast world of the interwebs

There are so many places I am on the internet.

I exist on Facebook and here and another shared blog and school websites and professional websites.

They are all me, yes, but sometimes I get sort of confused as to which me I am embodying at the moment.

There are so many different facets of me, of my personality, and not all of them are pieces that I choose to share in every place. Either because of personal choice or merely the audience.

Sometimes, when I flip from one to the other and back again, from anonymity to full name and birthdate, I get confused. I get lost as to who I am supposed to be when and where.

I understand that part of this comes with the territory.

In many ways it is no different than keeping my personal and professional life different. Switching from class to interview to friends. All those people see me, but they don't see everything about me.

I think it just feels different online because there are so many different places and it is so easy to flip back and forth between them all.

It can start to feel like I'm getting a little lost in amongst all the descriptions of me.

That somewhere in all those adjectives and adverbs and long sentences, my true essence gets lost, because I am so preoccupied trying to figure out which true essence I'm supposed to be displaying.

The End of Another Year

It is the last day of the year.

I'm sure most of you are aware of that. Given this special date, I felt like I should say something. Something reflecting on the past year, looking ahead, making resolutions, choosing my word for the new year.

This year has been fantastic. Truly. Filled with huge changes. Filled with health and friends. New experiences and old comforts.

2012 really brought it.

Some of 2013 I can see.

In typical Tela fashion, I have it all mapped out.

Some of it, though, I can't see. It's impossible to plan it all out.

It will be full of surprise and love and heartache. I think that is a given for any year.

I will be challenged. I will continue to grow and figure out who I am and where I belong.

It will be a good year. Of that I am sure.

And, to all of you who maybe didn't have the best 2012 (there seem to be an awful lot of you):

I hope this year improves things. I hope you can find the laughter and love in between the hard times. I wish all the best for all of you.

Each and every one.

Happy 2013.

this crazy world

The truth of our world is that there is a lot of bad. There are unexplainable, bad, sad, evil, awful things that happen.

I feel like they've been piling up a little bit lately.

It is so incredibly to let them bury me.

To get caught up in the news of the bad.

All the negative reporting, the focus on the tragedies.

The deaths that happen around me. Some expected, some not.

Both ways, they still leave an impact.

For me, it's a matter of balancing the bad with the good.

It's a matter of living with my eyes open and allowing myself to feel pain and sadness. It's also a matter of finding the good. The in spite ofs.

The fact that in spite of all this, this awfulness, there is good.

There is joy.

There is love. 

a break

Last night was wonderful.

Last night was like a Friday in the middle of my week.

It was a night where I let myself off the hook.

It's been a hard few weeks. So I stopped. I did things for fun, I didn't worry about the papers to write or the fact that I had to wake up at 7 this morning.

I finally, finally, got back to the hospital.

Even though I was only being trained to volunteer, it invigorated me.

There's something about hospitals that brings me alive.

Even this unbelievably small hospital, that was "very full" with the same number of total patients that is an average day for the floor I volunteer on back home.

I can't wait to be back. In that environment, helping people, doing what I love.

Then I went and ate cookies and listened to Christmas music and made paper snowflakes.

Then I made some more paper snowflakes and talked and watched Doctor Who.

Then I wrote a letter to a friend. A long overdue letter. Telling her I love her. Because I do. I love them and miss them, all those people back home. Sometimes it's just easier and quicker to not think about that, to not stop and take a moment to actually think and feel.

Last night was wonderful. Just the break I needed, to be able to push through these last days of the semester.

from the weekend

Hello again. What is this craziness? Posting two days in a row? I think it's me being stressed and needing some small relief from homework.

It's possible, just maybe, that I'm letting the stress of finals getting to me.

We are fast approaching what is known on campus on "Hell Week" so I guess I shouldn't be all that surprised.

It's just that, well, a lot of things.

My mid-sems weren't that bad, I skated through high school (mostly because I was much more focused on my health than my education) and so haven't experienced hard core finals, and a bunch of other things too.

Anyways, I'm getting off topic.

I came here to talk about finding the funny amidst the stress. And how time management includes self-care.

Which I'm doing. Today I went for a walk with a friend and got a coffee and then watched SNL.

I think that encompasses all of the above for stress-relievers.

But I still had my freak outs.

Mostly because my internet decided that today would be an appropriate day to die.

I'm sorry, this post has no point.

You deserve a medal for reaching the end of it.

Because this is the end, promise.