Weekly Winners

Through and through

Rear view

These are orange-er in real life

All the way fall

Tall and leggy

Ready or Not, Here It Comes

PSAT Checklist

• 4 sharpend #2 pencils
• 1 working calculator
• extra batteries for said calculator
• snack
• water
• brain....eh, we'll see

With or without my brain, I'll be there, 7:30 tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Time

It is almost halfway through October. That means I've been doing this -school, tutor-for almost a month and a half.

Time is tricking me.

I feel that length in the repetitive routine. Remembering what it feels like to have scheduled events every day. To have homework.

Yet it all seems so new and confusing. My schedule did just get shaken up, in an effort to make life less confusing.

More than that, though, I think it's the uncertainty. I don't know what each week will bring in terms of health. It is unknown how I will feel, how much school I will be able to attend, how much time I will spend on the couch.

Each week, each day, is different. New. Unknown. The past is getting so distorted that it can't help me see into the future. Not that that's an easy task to begin with.

So time, please slow down. Give me a chance to catch my breath. I want to remember the days as more than a blur. And I want to feel sane enough to be able to look forward to the coming days.

Weekly Winners

Happy 10-10-10! Take out your camera today and go capture some life.

Gold reflections

Blue berries

More blue berries

Trumpeting to the sky

Bright colors in shadow

A trail from green to red

Shadows and sun

I Can Do It By Myself

When I was a kid, I was independent and a perfectionist. This added up to lots of tears over things not done just right, but I still insisted on doing it by myself. We would joke that my middle name should be I Can Do It By Myself. I preferred Independent as a middle name, mostly because it made for some cool initials.

But it's true. I like to be right (or do I hate to be wrong?), to have all the answers, to not need help. Just me against the world. And to win. To do it right the first time.

Some of this has gotten better as I've gotten older. Or at least I've learned how to shut it out and ask for help. To accept that not getting a 10/10 is okay, sometimes.

I think that has been the hardest part of being sick for me; I can't fix it. I don't have the answers. And more than that-I can't do it alone. Me against the world philosophy doesn't work here. I need the help and support of parents, doctors, friends. And it's been a real learning experience to be able to say "I need help"

I still don't like saying these words and I will do my best to figure it out by myself first, but I will ask for the help.

It isn't my strong suit-admitting I don't know everything. I don't like it. It makes me feel out of control. I have to trust other people, and I have to trust myself to know my limits.

But I know it's something I need. I need it and use it now, as I probably will for the rest of my life. Which means that all the people who told me that when I was younger were correct. Grrr.

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Between the Upcoming Birthday and the Plastic Spoons, I'm Not Freaking Out

My mom's cousin (meaning my great uncle) stayed with us last night. I was utterly exhausted from my day and so I was more like a piece of furniture than a talking human being. I wanted to tell him that I'm really a nice, occassionally entertaining person. But I didn't. So I don't know what he thought about me.

Two doctors yesterday=utterly exhausting. Nothing new to report.

For dessert last night we had little mini Haagen Dazs. So yummy. I think the best part might have been the little, mini spoon that came with each one. (Besides the actual ice cream, of course.) (My parents pointed out that they're just tiny pieces of plastic. But they make me smile, so who cares.)

The PSAT is coming up. I refuse to stress or freak out.

My birthday is also coming up, which definitely helps negate some of the stress. No big plans....I can't believe I'll be sixteen. Not because I can get my license, which I legally could, but because it sounds old. (Shut up.) Compared to fifteen, it sounds old, is what I mean. More like adult-kid than kid-kid.

I won't be getting my license. It just doesn't interest me. I expect to be changing my tune once I actually have somewhere to go. But for now, it just seems like an awful lot of effort and responsibility. I cannot fathom why some people decided to let sixteen year-olds drive. Craziness. Scariness.

Weekly Winners

Recently redecorated

Caught stealing our grass

Waiting for me

Is she looking in or out?

A plant that looks a little too much like a monster

On high alert

If I can't see you, you can't see me