It's All In Your Perception

Perceptions are everything.

Some people come off opposite to their true nature, making it hard to really judge a person and their actions.

In third grade, I was convinced that my teacher hated me because she never called on me. Granted, I was a bit Hermione-like; my hand was permanently raised and waving.

To my third grade mind, there was only one explanation. As it turned out, she was just trying to give the other kids a chance to answer. I guess I was a bit of a know-it-all.

I like to tell myself I'm not as one-sided as I used to be. In some ways it's true; I can at least acknowledge other people's opinions, even if I don't agree with them. But once I think someone hates me, it takes a lot to change my mind.

It's one thing if someone doesn't like me, but it's a whole new deal if I think they're blaming for something I can't control.

Did that doctor really mean that or does he think it's my fault I'm sick? What was he really thinking? What was he implying?

It's a sore subject, to be sure.

I've spent enough time going to doubtful doctors that I have my walls up.

I can sort of see where they're coming from: teenager with vague complaints, not in school, I don't know what it is, why not blame it on her?

But then again--how dare they!

I know this is not my fault. I did not cause this. But I've spent enough time having to defend myself that a small seed of doubt has worked its way in.

It has no business being in me. Being wrong and making me doubt myself, springing to life whenever I interpret so much as an insinuation that I am somehow responsible.

It all comes back to my perception. I don't know what the doctors really think. But when it comes across as my fault, that seed starts to grow.

It's a battle. Against the illness and occasionally the doctors, but mostly to convince myself, completely, so that when someone else doubts me, there is nothing to start growing.